You con your idiots, I’ll con mine, Salmond tells Miliband

ALEX Salmond has told Ed Miliband to ‘button it’ after the Labour leader tried to expose his epic scam.

Scotland’s first minister insisted he was working a sweet little number and that Miliband was making it hard for an honest thief to earn some scratch.

Salmond said: “I’m in the middle of the greatest long-grift of my life and this guy tries to queer my action.

“I thought we had a code. You see a guy doing a thing and you back off and find your own cheese.”

Salmond’s grift involves promising everyone in Scotland a non-existent oil field and selling them a health service they already own.

He added: “Give a guy some elbow room. I’ve been working these piss-monkeys for years.”

Salmond then put his arm around Miliband’s shoulder and told him to go back to scamming English idiots with the no-cuts fandango.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

This is us trying our hardest, say England players

ENGLAND players have hit back at their critics insisting they are simply not very good at football.

Responding to Harry Redknapp’s comments that they ‘don’t give a toss’, captain Wayne Rooney stressed the performance against Norway was due to ‘a proper, old fashioned lack of ability’.

Rooney said: “There are no easy games at this level, apart from Scotland.

“Norway is an empty land where the national sport is lying in the snow and yet we still only managed two shots on goal.

“If anything, we give too much of a toss, which is why we can’t concentrate on playing football.”

The response has failed to satisfy angry England fans, who insist they would all be incredibly good at doing a second job during their holidays, working with people they hate.