You definitely voted to lose £66 billion a year, May tells Britain

THE prime minister has told Britain it knew full well it was voting to shrink its economy between 5 and 10 per cent, so no further debate is required. 

Theresa May added that mass unemployment, segregation of population by national origin and a nosediving pound were all “pretty much on the ballot” so parliamentary debate was unnecessary.

She continued: “When the British people overwhelmingly voted for Brexit on June 23, they also voted for a new prime minister and entirely new policies never previously mentioned. That’s just common sense.

“They voted to leave the single market, to accelerate the break-up of the UK, and for the construction of a new royal yacht, so any further consultation would be a slap in their patriotic faces.

“All these whiners claiming they did not necessarily choose to crash our economy and never have a foreign holiday again are a mere 48 to 70 per cent of our population so can be cheerfully ignored.

70-year-old Eleanor Shaw added: “I voted for golliwogs not to be racist anymore. Has that happened yet?”

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Man accidentally walks in on flatmate painting Warhammer figurines 

A MAN was forced to quickly shut his living room door after accidentally discovering his flatmate painting Warhammer figurines in the middle of the afternoon.

Tom Logan, who had came home early from work due to illness, quickly apologised from the other side of the door saying he probably should have texted flatmate Wayne Hayes to let him know he would be home early.

Logan said: “It was a little bit awkward to say the least.

“I know he’s single and a little bit lonely, so it’s obvious that he does that kind of thing, but he really should be keeping it to his bedroom.”

Logan said he waited five minutes while Hayes ‘cleaned up’.

Hayes then put the kettle on and the two men acted as if nothing had happened.

Hayes added: “That’s because nothing happened.”