You owe me money, Hammond tells public sector workers

PHILIP Hammond has told public sector workers that they should pay back what he has given them.

The Chancellor confirmed that by definition, all public money belonged to him, and that he now wanted it returned.

He said: “Nurses, teachers and police officers are public servants, which makes me their master.

“They’ve been massively overpaid, growing rich off the fat of the land, while hardworking bankers and accountants worked their hands to the bone for no reward.

“Now it’s payback time, literally. This Brexit thing is going to be ridiculously expensive and I am not your dad. You’re getting deported to the Falklands unless you give it all back right now.

“Plus 15 percent.”

Multinational business owner Tom Logan said: “Finally, someone’s standing up for people like me.”

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BBC decides Britain 'not ready' for Glaswegian Dalek

THE BBC is under fire after claiming Britain ‘could not cope’ with a Glaswegian Dalek.

As the corporation unveiled the first female Doctor Who, pro-Glaswegian Dalek activists said they had hoped the BBC would also have ‘the courage to confront the final taboo’.

Campaigner Bill McKay said: “Glaswegians are now accepted into almost every walk of life. It is the 21st Century and attitudes should had moved on. This sends a terrible message.”

But a BBC spokesman said: “The Dalek voice is designed to be really intimidating. We would take a huge risk by giving it a Glaswegian accent.

“Many of our male viewers would find it even more frightening than the prospect of a female Doctor.”

However, the BBC stressed it was no longer opposed to the principle of a Scottish Dalek and could now ‘envisage’ an episode of Doctor Who featuring a Dalek that has a soft, lilting Highland accent.

The spokesman added: “It would be like Local Hero or Whisky Galore, but with a Dalek.”