Young Conservatives to victimise other social outcasts

BULLIED young Conservatives have bonded over a shared desire to target their fellow Godforsaken wretches.

At the party’s conference in Manchester, dozens of strange people in their early 20s explored their mutual loathing of asylum seekers, the working poor and people without private pensions.

Conference delegate Julian Cook said: “I know what it means to be rejected by the establishment. Last Monday I was egged in the face by a left-wing teacher.”

He added: “I’ve been demonised by the media and discriminated against just for being who I am. That seems like a fun thing to do to someone else.”

Fellow activist Nathan Muir, from Leeds, said: “At uni I was ridiculed because my greatest ambition was to read my erotic short stories to Theresa May.

“But now I’m among people who know what it means to feel like some bloody Syrian who’s only here for the handouts.”

Muir was later beaten to a pulp in the conference centre bar for sounding too northern.

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Ask Holly: I just want to play with my train set

Dear Holly,

Being a septuagenarian rockstar ain’t easy. I have to tour the world when all I really want to do is stay in the hotel playing with my painstakingly detailed model trains. I’ve been promoting my album in the US which is additionally hard because I’m missing out on what naughty japes Wilson, Brewster and Koko are up to in Chuggington. I love nothing better than catching up with the novice train crew whilst sipping on a Fruit Shoot. How can I make myself feel less sad? I feel a bit of a tantrum coming on.

Rod Stewart

No fixed abode

Dear Rod,

I’ve not been keeping up with Chuggington, mostly because it’s for stupid babies, but also because I prefer to extract myself from the twee middle-class world that CBeebies inhabits. I enjoy a more gritty televisual landscape where dudes are called Daffy and Goofy and Sheriff Callie and Doc McStuffins and are all totally badass and hard as nails. You wouldn’t catch Minnie Mouse hanging out with posh gits called Lola and Topsy, she is much more interested in keeping it real.

Hope that helps!