Young people not giving a shit about 'Milibrand'

BRITAIN’S under-25s said Ed Miliband’s attempt to connect with them via Russell Brand is wrong in every possible way.

As political pundits debate the effectiveness of the ‘Milibrand’ interview, young people stressed that everything about it was a complete waste of time.

Tom Logan, 19, from Peterborough, said: “Was I influenced by it? What the fuck are you talking about? My mum likes Russell Brand. She’s 44. She thinks he’s clever and sexy, so no, I’m not a fan.”

Logan added: “Anyone who is being interviewed by Russell Brand is, by association, equally irrelevant. Ed Miliband may as well have been on the telly. My mum watches the telly.”

Nikki Hollis, 20, from Stevenage said: “Do you think we all share YouTube clips on our Facebook pages? Yeah, and our phones are powered with steam. Idiots.

“And please tell me you didn’t combine their names like that for our sake. Because that would be so fucked up.”

She added: “To make this nice and easy, if you’ve heard of it, we haven’t and vice versa.”

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Bouncers just fat

NIGHTCLUB bouncers look hard simply because they are overweight, it has emerged.

Researchers found that although door security staff appear to be authentically burly and have a confidently hostile manner, most of their body weight comes from fried breakfasts.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “When you squeeze 21 stone of man-suet into a suit or bomber jacket, it gives a more masculine silhouette. Also black is very slimming.

“But if you catch them in a t-shirt going to the supermarket on a Saturday, they are straightforwardly obese.”

Professor Brubaker found that bouncers used anecdotes of breaking up riots in fictional 80s metal clubs to consolidate their exaggerated aura of machismo.

Bouncer Tom Booker said: “I am just a fat person who also happens to be tall and therefore thinks he’s a bad ass.

“However I’ve had four scuffles this month. How many have you had? Exactly.”