EVERY new parent likes to buy a supposedly authoritative book about raising children. Here are our top parenting tips.
Boris: Set boundaries
For example: ‘No – you can’t fill the shopping trolley with bags of Haribo. Put them back.’ On the other hand, constant lying and cheating is fine. Rules like this will make sure your children grow up with a clear moral compass.
Carrie: Get a pet
A pet is a great way of teaching children about responsibilities. Also they provide excellent photo opportunities, which introduces them to the basics of a lucrative job in political PR.
Boris: Encourage them to be independent
Children need to explore and develop self-confidence. I have encouraged at least one of my progeny to do this by having literally nothing to do with them. If that doesn’t build their independence, I don’t know what will.
Carrie: Be a loving couple
True love is what relationships are all about. Don’t marry someone because it’s jolly good for your career and you can ditch the porky old bastard later on. That would be totally unromantic.
Boris: Read to them
An overlooked parenting skill in the age of texting and iPads. Forget Dr Zeuss, Harry Potter, The Gruffalo and drivel like that – at bedtime read them a couple of chapters of my crappy novel or poorly researched history books instead. I really need the sales.
Carrie: Don’t get hung up about food
Children are picky eaters and very conservative when it comes to food. Don’t get stressed about it. If there’s a load of leftover beef Wellington from your household chef your husband will probably just stuff it down his fat gullet while opening another bottle of red.
Boris: Research local schools
The right school will improve your child’s life chances. Skills they need include: massive overconfidence, social connections with horrible Tories, and how to trash a restaurant. So Eton, basically.