Prepare for food shortages, mass unemployment and a 10-year recession, says proud prime minister

THE UK has been told to get ready for food shortages, rampant inflation and losing their jobs and homes by a strong, resolute prime minister. 

Boris Johnson has assured Britain he will not allow an inch of the country’s sovereignty to be given up and that they will be paying the price for a generation. 

He said: “From January 1st we will be moving to an Antarctica-style deal with the EU, trading with it on the same terms as that noble continent. 

“So now is the moment to liquidate your business, put your savings into gold, stock up on non-perishable food, fill the bath with drinking water and nail plywood over the windows. 

“Within five years Northern Ireland will have left the Union. Within a decade, Scotland will follow. You may never holiday abroad again. 

“In all candour, the deal on the table from the EU would avoid these outcomes but Britain cannot accept it because it has bits we either do not like now or might not like at some unspecified point in the future. 

“Prepare for the worst crisis since the Great Depression to hit this country, and this country alone. It’s what we all wanted. Thank you.” 

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The Millwall fan's guide to PC gone mad

WHEN you can’t even boo a peaceful act of solidarity against racism, it’s another win for the PC brigade. Here Millwall fan Steve Malley explains why the country is going to the dogs.

Banning beer on the terraces

You used to be able to enjoy your offensive chants and obscene hand gestures with a pint of lager. But now you can’t drink at your seat and the only beer available is from kiosks up to 20 seconds walk away. Now we’re forced to rush the away fans armed only with a warm cup of Bovril. It’s a disgrace.


I’ve never met a vegan, but it’s just not right, is it? On TV there’s all these vegan meals and recipes which I’m under no obligation to eat but still make me furious for some reason. And don’t get me started on gluten free. It’s evolution in my book – if they can’t digest food, they don’t deserve to be alive.

Women on TV

Look, I’m a reasonable bloke, I don’t mind Nigella, the ladies on Sky Sports News or the good-looking ones who do the weather. But it’s got silly now. The worst are lady football pundits. Why would I listen to an astute female footballer who played in several World Cups when I could have a bloke with four caps for Wales telling me over and over how much they hate VAR?

Two metres 

These days it’s two metres this, two metres that. All because of ‘science’. And who are these scientists? The kids you used to bully at school who were shit at games. I’ll tell you who didn’t stay two metres apart, our brave boys who stormed the beaches at Normandy. People should think about that.

Grayson Perry 

I mean, what even is Grayson Perry? Is he a geezer? Is he a bird? Is he both? He’s so weird I’ve watched all of his series twice and bought tickets to his exhibition. I just don’t understand why he’s allowed on air making me question my fragile masculinity. And he’s not even a poof.