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Madame Web, and six other films you could improve in moments even though you're thick

SOMETIMES a film is so flawed you think of obvious improvements while looking in the fridge for a snack. Here are some that suggest you should be being paid millions in Hollywood.

Madame Web (2024)

Your brilliant idea? Put superheroes in a superhero film. In this case by your characters becoming the superheroes they’re destined to be before the end of the film. Then they can wear cool costumes and do exciting stuff, rather than being three fairly annoying teenage girls bickering. Sadly the existing version of Madame Web is the equivalent of Jaws concluding with: ‘Tell you what, let’s go back and get a bigger boat.’ ‘Makes sense.’ THE END.

Cocaine Bear (2023)

Your brainwave is this: make a film not based on one solitary joke, which in this case is: bears don’t take cocaine! Ho ho. Then you wouldn’t have to pad the other 94 minutes with random nonsense only Keri Russell’s most obsessive stalker would have enjoyed. This would also have benefited Snakes on a Plane. Or as your improved version would be titled: Snakes, Evil Doll and a Sharknado on a Plane.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

This franchise is one of the worst offenders when it comes to ghosts causing pointless ‘scares’. What would be far better is a ghost or demon with a clear strategy. This demon torments hapless protagonist Katie by… opening doors. Since it feeds off negative energy, why not just keep stabbing her in the leg with knives? That would produce more negative energy. Or, even simpler, just hang around an A&E department? In fairness the film that probably started the trend was 1982’s Poltergeist, which features the unforgettable, stomach-turning horror of a broken glass of milk.

M3gan (2022)

Here’s what occurred to you: maybe don’t make the story identical to every previous evil robot/doll story? It’s a tad tedious to sit through characters laboriously going through the motions of: ‘What could be causing this sudden spate of violent deaths? My creepy, extremely strong android with a warped sense of morality? No, let’s not go jumping to conclusions.’

Attack of the Clones (2002)

Instead of Anakin doing bad things to save his wife and child, which is still trying to do what he thinks is right, why not have him actually seduced by the power of the Dark Side? Obi-Wan says it in the first film, so you don’t even need to think of it yourself. While you’re at it, after Anakin is turned into Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith, why not have him meet Padme? That would be dramatic. Although there probably wasn’t time for that and the exciting lizard/monocycle chase.

The Marvels (2023)

So many potential improvements, but let’s focus on: make your villain (A) in some way threatening, and (B) in some way competent. Obscure gender-swapped antagonist Dar-Benn looks as if she’d be scared to give an Amazon driver less than five stars, and, while searching for the all-powerful ‘Quantum Bands’, doesn’t notice someone wearing one of them in front of her. Sigh. That said, anyone who tries to kill the inhabitants of Aladna, the singing planet, deserves some credit.

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

‘Let’s stop doing this,’ is your visionary idea. Upon realising that your film is a characterless retread of a much better one, just stop. Think of all the things everyone could have done with their lives if they’d not been watching lame sequels to Die HardTransformersThe ConjuringThe Fast and the FuriousAlien and Star Wars. Plus Bruce Willis would be eternally grateful.