Princess Leia against a tree on Endor: Rishi Sunak's nerdiest sexual fantasies

THERE is literally nothing interesting about Rishi Sunak except that he likes Star Wars. Here are his nerdiest sexual fantasies from the worlds of sci-fi and superheroes.

A knee-trembler on Endor

In Rishi’s geeky imagination he and Leia are in a speeder bike chase with Imperial scouts. After Rishi dispatches them, a flushed Leia has sex with him against a giant redwood tree. If he’s feeling a bit kinky, Rishi imagines Wicket and the other Ewoks watching.

Jyn Urso in the back of a landspeeder

Rishi and Jyn from Rogue One are on their way to Tosche Station to pick up some filters for his moisture farm. Why Jyn (Felicity Jones) is on Tatooine is unclear, but she demands sex in the back of the landspeeder. On reaching their destination, a threesome with Camie Loneozner (Koo Stark) ensues. Needless to say, nothing like this has ever happened to Rishi in real life.

Doggystyle with L3-37

Rishi has sex with various sockets on L3-37, the Meccano droid with the voice of Phoebe Waller-Bridge. And what normal, red-blooded man wouldn’t? He then uploads her into the Millennium Falcon’s navigation computer, which he wishes he could do with more girls because they make him nervous.

Sex with Black Widow, in bed with his socks on

Sunak’s fantasies are not limited to the Star Wars universe. However missionary position with the most obviously attractive Marvel character is exactly the sort of unimaginative scenario you’d expect from a financial bean-counter like Rishi, who has already started making speeches likely to cause brain death.

Same-sex experimentation with Kylo Ren

Possibly due to his time at public school, Rishi has a tame fantasy about the confused emo Sith. It’s mainly just stroking Adam Driver’s pumped-for-the-role torso and anal sex is off the menu, because, as Sunak told a press conference yesterday, he is ‘definitely not gay’.

Rishi Thanos and Scarlet Witch

Probably the most embarrassing of Sunak’s fantasies. Spindly shortarse Sunak is the mighty Thanos, who takes Scarlet Witch to new heights of sexual ecstasy, causing Elizabeth Olsen to repeatedly gasp, ‘You’re so big Rishi/Thanos!’ Post-ejaculation, the fantasy then turns into battering real-life bully Boris Johnson with the Infinity Gauntlet, in classic pathetic nerd wish-fulfilment.

Banging Tishra Kandia in an interrogation chair

Rishi is such a tragic nerd he can name the blink-and-you-miss-her Imperial officer from The Rise of Skywalker. Tishra (Amanda Hale) restrains Sunak in the interrogation chair used on Rey and Poe, then during various vanilla tortures tells him he could have a very successful career in the Empire, at which point he spunks like a Rancor.

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It is with great sadness that I cede my role as Minister for Twattery, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has resigned as business secretary via a convoluted, handwritten letter. Here is the text in full.

Salutations Prime Minister,

Please accept my sincerest felicitations on your elevation to the highest office. I wish you every success, even though you are clearly no gentleman and a villein and a turncoat.

As you will no doubt want to cram your cabinet with knaves upon this day of St Crispin, I tender you my notice. I was a loyal supporter of Mr Boris Johnson, and believed you, sir, to be the same. However, by running against that fine and noble gentleman you have proved yourself to be a cad.

I am minded to challenge you to a duel, though I doubt an upstart cur such as you even owns a brace of flintlock duelling pistols.

In the spirit of magnanimity I accept that I should not have called you a socialist, as it is clear you do not share your wealth with the poor of your parish, even though they live in rat-infested Yorkshire hovels. Your refusal to entertain the idea of turning food banks into workhouses however calls into question whether you are a true Conservative.

In any case, my resignation is tendered to The King and not you. I’m sure His Majesty would have wanted me to stay on as Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy had Oliver Cromwell not had his way. I had many fine 19th century innovations to introduce, including child labour, the daguerreotype and a transatlantic coal-fired zeppelin. All now sadly lost to mighty Britannia.

But I digress. In the interests of the Conservative party, rather than the country, we must unite under your leadership. By this token I will return to the back benches, like Orpheus to the Underworld, and bestow my twattery upon a grateful nation from there.

I have the honour to remain &c,

Jacob Rees-Mogg