THERE is literally nothing interesting about Rishi Sunak except that he likes Star Wars. Here are his nerdiest sexual fantasies from the worlds of sci-fi and superheroes.
A knee-trembler on Endor
In Rishi’s geeky imagination he and Leia are in a speeder bike chase with Imperial scouts. After Rishi dispatches them, a flushed Leia has sex with him against a giant redwood tree. If he’s feeling a bit kinky, Rishi imagines Wicket and the other Ewoks watching.
Jyn Urso in the back of a landspeeder
Rishi and Jyn from Rogue One are on their way to Tosche Station to pick up some filters for his moisture farm. Why Jyn (Felicity Jones) is on Tatooine is unclear, but she demands sex in the back of the landspeeder. On reaching their destination, a threesome with Camie Loneozner (Koo Stark) ensues. Needless to say, nothing like this has ever happened to Rishi in real life.
Doggystyle with L3-37
Rishi has sex with various sockets on L3-37, the Meccano droid with the voice of Phoebe Waller-Bridge. And what normal, red-blooded man wouldn’t? He then uploads her into the Millennium Falcon’s navigation computer, which he wishes he could do with more girls because they make him nervous.
Sex with Black Widow, in bed with his socks on
Sunak’s fantasies are not limited to the Star Wars universe. However missionary position with the most obviously attractive Marvel character is exactly the sort of unimaginative scenario you’d expect from a financial bean-counter like Rishi, who has already started making speeches likely to cause brain death.
Same-sex experimentation with Kylo Ren
Possibly due to his time at public school, Rishi has a tame fantasy about the confused emo Sith. It’s mainly just stroking Adam Driver’s pumped-for-the-role torso and anal sex is off the menu, because, as Sunak told a press conference yesterday, he is ‘definitely not gay’.
Rishi Thanos and Scarlet Witch
Probably the most embarrassing of Sunak’s fantasies. Spindly shortarse Sunak is the mighty Thanos, who takes Scarlet Witch to new heights of sexual ecstasy, causing Elizabeth Olsen to repeatedly gasp, ‘You’re so big Rishi/Thanos!’ Post-ejaculation, the fantasy then turns into battering real-life bully Boris Johnson with the Infinity Gauntlet, in classic pathetic nerd wish-fulfilment.
Banging Tishra Kandia in an interrogation chair
Rishi is such a tragic nerd he can name the blink-and-you-miss-her Imperial officer from The Rise of Skywalker. Tishra (Amanda Hale) restrains Sunak in the interrogation chair used on Rey and Poe, then during various vanilla tortures tells him he could have a very successful career in the Empire, at which point he spunks like a Rancor.