Priti Patel's guide to having people over

HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I’m not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.

Australian-style invitation policy

When deciding who to invite to your gathering, I like to rate them according to whether they have useful skills for the UK. Ballerina? That’s a zero. Plumber? 2/10 for effort. Hedge fund manager who’s donated thousands to the Tory party? Let me get you some vol-au-vents!

Fantastic nibbles 

While I was in Israel I had lots of meetings with delectable bites of falafel, babka and chicken albondigas. I’d serve these but it brings back unhappy memories of having to resign because of my own stupidity, so my guests will be getting crudites and Tesco taramasalata.

Heterosexuals couples only

In keeping with my votes against gay marriage, I prefer to keep gatherings a hetero affair. I’ve got nothing against gay people, I just think straight, middle-aged, married couples are so much more fun. You can listen to classic 80s hits by Phil Collins and talk about Formula 1 all evening.

Patriotic food 

When I was growing up I learned many delicious, traditional Indian recipes, but these days I find it’s better to appeal to the Brexiters and people who aren’t fond of multiculturalism. So keep the food stodgily British – ham sandwiches, oxtail soup and a £2 prawn ring from Iceland. 

‘Deport’ hangers-on

If you’re struggling to get your guests to leave at the end of the evening, have them removed by border control officers. Being bundled into the back of a van sends out a firm message to other guests thinking of coming to your house and will ensure you’re in bed by 11.30.

 

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60-day masturbation ban to boost economy

THE government is considering imposing a 60-day masturbation ban across the UK to encourage everyone to spend money instead. 

The ban on wanking, enforced by an army of ‘wank marshalls’, would force Britons desperate for quick gratification to buy goods online, revitalising the faltering economy and saving Britain. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak said: “Wanking is free, pleasurable and available to everyone. It was only a matter of time before we banned it. 

“The prohibition on onanism will leave the UK’s economic units itching for an endorphin fix and with no idea what to do with their hands. They’ll have no option but to channel that erotic energy into bidding on eBay. 

“Instead of stimulating their genitals, which is selfish and benefits no one, they’ll be stimulating the economy. Instead of orgasms, they’ll get packages arriving to their doors within four to six days. 

“And the true sex-crazed beasts unable to control their urges will have to go out and find partners, which boosts the hospitality industry. It’s win-win. For us.” 

Jack Browne of Wilmslow said: “They can take my freedom, but they’ll never stop me wanking. Oh – there’s a nationwide porn blocker and my camera’s switched to always-on.”