Sajid Javid's guide to making up your own crisis

INVENTING a crisis is exciting and makes you feel important if you’re a twat. Here home secretary Sajid Javid describes some great ones to try.

Asylum seeker crisis

This showed that I am both super-tough and an excellent future prime minister if you’re a racist voter or Tory party member. Kudos to me for thinking of such a brilliant strategy.

Workplace crisis

In the absence of a real crisis like a fire, blow up a totally minor issue, eg. “EVERYONE LISTEN! I want you to keep calm, but I’m getting reliable reports that SOMEONE IS USING JOANNA’S MIFFY MUG.”

Take charge and insist the culprit is put in a makeshift ‘detention centre’ you’ve built under your desk using chicken wire. Your boss is bound to be impressed by your vigilance.

Squirrel crisis

Squirrels regularly invade Britain’s back gardens with no travel documentation and their alien nut-related ways. Draw up a plan as follows:

● Deter them by standing at the window shouting, “I can you see you, Tufty!”

● Devise a scheme to tag squirrels, with a custodial sentence if they leave their trees after 7am.

● Run around the garden chasing them with a hammer.

This will prove you are exactly the sort of stable, no-nonsense politician Britain needs.

Bubble bath crisis

No minister wants to be the one who ‘dropped the ball’ on the UK’s bubble bath supplies. You’ll be relieved to know I’ve just ordered 90 million bottles of Matey (and put out a press release about it, naturally).

Lost keys crisis

If you can’t find your keys, call 999. Insist the police also alert Special Branch and the SAS. If you find them five minutes later on the kitchen table it just shows you weren’t prepared to gamble with the nation’s key security.

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Greggs' vegan sausage roll 'is against the will of the people'

THE introduction of vegan sausage rolls by Greggs could be the last straw for disaffected Northern communities, it has been warned.

The imposition of the meatless, dairy-free pastry product on those who already feel ‘left behind’ by Westminster could lead to civil unrest and sausage riots.

Yorkshire resident Norman Steele said: “The EU referendum didn’t specifically mention sausage rolls, but we certainly didn’t vote for another stab in the back by the metropolitan elite.

“If you talk to ordinary folk they’re just worried about their blandly comforting pork tubes dying out. No one wants to lose their traditional way of sausage.

“Gregg’s shelves are overcrowded as it is. That’s not veganist. We just don’t think soya protein substitute really tastes of anything.”

The government said it was addressing the issue with plans for emergency airlifts of the cheapest sausage rolls that can be found in pork-loving EU states such as Germany.

Remain voter Tom Logan said: “You can’t fight progress. I’d be happy to try exotic sausage rolls made with wild boar or octopus. Anything that makes me feel sophisticated, really.”