SAJID Javid has said Britons should ‘snog who they wish’ under the mistletoe this Christmas. Here the health secretary explains how he’s snogged loads of girls, honest.
Technique
Snogging girls is all about technique. Stick your tongue in as far as it will go and wiggle it around their mouth as if you’re giving it a good clean. Don’t forget to lick their teeth. Girls like that. It’s erotic.
Snogging foreplay
Girls need to be ‘warmed up’ for a snog, like an engine. Say sexy things like ‘You’re dead fit’, ‘You could be on Pornhub’ and ‘You’ve got bigger tits than Rachel Lewis from 9B but you’re not a slag like her’.
Choose the right location
Bus stops, your dad’s garden shed and the building site on the way home from school are all romantic snogging locations. The local park is best, though, because you can do it behind a tree then go to the skateboard area and tell all your mates about it.
Carry a piece of mistletoe around with you
At Christmas you can pull it out and snog a girl wherever you are. It’s dead clever and no one has ever thought of it before.
Impress girls with your trainers
Pester your mum to buy you the most expensive ones even if she pretends she can’t afford them.
Practise
Practise snogging on your hand or a pillow. Obviously I don’t just do it like that, I’m always snogging real girls. I snogged an older woman once. She was 20 but you don’t know her because it was on a caravan holiday with my parents.
Remember to breathe
When you’re snogging you can only hold your breath for so long. Come up for air now and then or you’ll get brain damage. That’s what Gavin Jones says anyway.
Be ready to ‘go all the way’
After a snogging session, girls will want to move on to ‘fourth base’, by which I mean fingering. That’s just rubbing, really. It’s boring but if you keep asking them they might touch your willy.
