Sajid Javid's guide to snogging girls

SAJID Javid has said Britons should ‘snog who they wish’ under the mistletoe this Christmas. Here the health secretary explains how he’s snogged loads of girls, honest.

Technique

Snogging girls is all about technique. Stick your tongue in as far as it will go and wiggle it around their mouth as if you’re giving it a good clean. Don’t forget to lick their teeth. Girls like that. It’s erotic. 

Snogging foreplay

Girls need to be ‘warmed up’ for a snog, like an engine. Say sexy things like ‘You’re dead fit’, ‘You could be on Pornhub’ and ‘You’ve got bigger tits than Rachel Lewis from 9B but you’re not a slag like her’.

Choose the right location 

Bus stops, your dad’s garden shed and the building site on the way home from school are all romantic snogging locations. The local park is best, though, because you can do it behind a tree then go to the skateboard area and tell all your mates about it.

Carry a piece of mistletoe around with you

At Christmas you can pull it out and snog a girl wherever you are. It’s dead clever and no one has ever thought of it before.

Impress girls with your trainers

Pester your mum to buy you the most expensive ones even if she pretends she can’t afford them.

Practise 

Practise snogging on your hand or a pillow. Obviously I don’t just do it like that, I’m always snogging real girls. I snogged an older woman once. She was 20 but you don’t know her because it was on a caravan holiday with my parents.

Remember to breathe

When you’re snogging you can only hold your breath for so long. Come up for air now and then or you’ll get brain damage. That’s what Gavin Jones says anyway. 

Be ready to ‘go all the way’

After a snogging session, girls will want to move on to ‘fourth base’, by which I mean fingering. That’s just rubbing, really. It’s boring but if you keep asking them they might touch your willy.

Completing a Panini sticker album: Childhood achievements you'll never improve on

DESPITE having two great kids, a decent career and a spouse you love, these pointless childhood successes blow them all out of the water.

Completing a Panini sticker album

After months of pissing away all your pocket money on packets of small portraits of football players, you finally secured that long sought-after Neil Ruddock. The thrill you got from wonkily putting in that final sticker of a man who blurred the lines between sport and GBH is a feeling unrivalled by the births of your children.

Running the wrong way up an escalator

How many times did you try to do this, only for your tiny, feeble legs to give up halfway? Not even your wedding day compares to the moment you finally made it the whole way up. It must have been how Hillary felt when he climbed Everest – but you were also an ultra-cool rebel.

Riding a bike no-handed

No amount of career advancement in your ultimately pointless job will compare to the thrill of successfully letting go of the handlebars while cycling for the first time. Sure, your overconfidence led to you spending the first half of 1986 wearing arm casts, but that initial rush was worth it, probably.

Eating a massive gobstopper in one sitting

One of mankind’s greatest achievements. The sheer persistence it took to sit slowly sucking on a solid sugar orb for about eight hours is truly admirable. Nothing will come close to the high you felt when you finished – though that may have had something to do with the dangerous amount of sugar you just ate.

Jumping off a swing mid-air

Society might make you claim the thing you’re most proud of is successfully raising two happy, well-adjusted children. But that’s horseshit. In 1981 in a rundown playground you jumped off a swing at its highest point and landed on your feet. The awe and respect from other playground users was tangible. A feeling never to be replicated.