Scotland picks incredibly strange fight

SCOTLAND has chosen to pick rather an unusual fight with England, residents of both countries have agreed. 

Holyrood’s Gender Recognition Reform bill, passed last month, has become the first legislation blocked by the prime minister in a battle that appears to be ill-judged on every side.

Scottish political correspondent Norman Steele said: “Scotland would be going absolutely apeshit about this, if it wasn’t a bit unsure about it.

“Likewise Nicola Sturgeon’s determination to take this to the courts might seem more steely and resolved and less foolish if she hadn’t just had her arse handed to her in court about Indyref2.

“It’s undoubtedly a case of a democratic government being overridden by a prime minister nobody elected or likes, which is a big deal if the Scottish people choose to treat it as one. Indications are they don’t.

“But Holyrood were warned repeatedly this clashed with UK-wide law and pushed on anyway, so it’s not exactly the Jacobite Rising either. Braveheart vibes are not being felt.

“We can only hope this is resolved in some way or other that allows both sides to pretend they won and everything is fine. Otherwise there’s a perplexing reckoning ahead.”

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Man's fantasy football team in fantasy legal battle with fantasy corrupt owners

THE performance of a man’s fantasy football team has been severely affected by fantasy lawsuits with the fantasy club’s fantasy owners.

Nathan Muir’s MegaLegends FC were shaping up to make a run for the top four in his office league when it was discovered the club’s owners had sold their ground to a holding company and borrowed £600 million from club funds which they could not repay.

Muir, an insurance agent and the sole real human in the whole affair, said: “Normally the fantasy league’s fun. I spent ages choosing the kit. But then I started getting fantasy final demands.

“Turns out the fantasy owners, a group of successful local fantasy businessmen, had been extracting capital from the club using fantasy offshore vehicles. Millions of theoretical pounds went missing overnight.

“At the last home game, the fantasy supporters held a massive fantasy protest and the unsettled team lost 4-1. Our opponents fantasy bus got bricked. We’re in danger of a fantasy points deduction.

“What hurts most is we’ve lost the faith of the good, honest, entirely imagined fans who pay the club’s wages. They put their fictional hearts and souls into this team and they’ve been, in an entirely make-believe arena, let down.”

He added: “I’m hoping to get bought out by a made-up oil-rich nation. It’d be a dreadful moral stain on my team’s character, but there’s £85 riding on this.”