Shit dance totally works

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

The prime minister’s usual falsehoods about Brexit and how caring the Tories are went unchallenged by a nation left shellshocked by her ‘Abba dance’.

Tom Booker of Colchester said: “Bloody hell. Muffin the Mule was more lifelike than that. It was worse than the computer animation in 80s pop videos.

“Boris Johnson can’t match that for spectacle. I reckon – and 24 hours ago, I’d have denied anyone could ever speak these words – Jacob Rees-Mogg could dance better than that.

“What did she say? Something about Brexit being totally sorted and everyone getting pay rises, I think. I’d check in the newspapers but they’re all just full of the dance.

“Imagine knowing that’s on tape forever. Whoever advised her to do that, they’re getting sacked. She said some other stuff but all I can think of is the dance.”

Jeremy Corbyn is now planning to distract from awkward issues at the next Labour conference with a video showing the agonising awkwardness with which he makes love.