Shit dance totally works

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

The prime minister’s usual falsehoods about Brexit and how caring the Tories are went unchallenged by a nation left shellshocked by her ‘Abba dance’.

Tom Booker of Colchester said: “Bloody hell. Muffin the Mule was more lifelike than that. It was worse than the computer animation in 80s pop videos.

“Boris Johnson can’t match that for spectacle. I reckon – and 24 hours ago, I’d have denied anyone could ever speak these words – Jacob Rees-Mogg could dance better than that.

“What did she say? Something about Brexit being totally sorted and everyone getting pay rises, I think. I’d check in the newspapers but they’re all just full of the dance.

“Imagine knowing that’s on tape forever. Whoever advised her to do that, they’re getting sacked. She said some other stuff but all I can think of is the dance.”

Jeremy Corbyn is now planning to distract from awkward issues at the next Labour conference with a video showing the agonising awkwardness with which he makes love.

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Man confusing being right with being loud

A MAN who thinks he keeps winning arguments actually just shouts over everyone else until they give up.

IT support worker Stephen Malley is so convinced by his rightness he often will not let other people finish their sentences before steamrollering them with his opinions.

Colleague Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve stopped trying to get Stephen to look at things from a different point of view because I don’t have the dogged determination to get a word in.

“This means I’ve let him get away with spouting all sorts of rubbish, like that Saved By The Bell contained secret messages from the Illuminati or Boris Johnson being prime minister would be ‘a laugh’.

“I’ve attempted to explain it’s drivel but he just talks louder and louder until I give in and agree. The other option is that I stab him in the eye with a biro, but I need this job, unfortunately.”

Malley said: “People can’t think for themselves so they need to be told that the Labour party are fascists if you think about it and supermarket workers keep all the best food for themselves.

“I know my opinions are sensible and correct because I always get lots of upvotes when I put them on Daily Mail comments.”