RWANDA is now perfectly safe for migrants because I, James Cleverly, signed something saying so. And, drunk with power, I also declare these activities safe forever:
Throwing yourself off a Dubai skyscraper, with a window of seconds to open your parachute, where any unexpected variable could lead to you crashing down to a gruesome death? Safe now. I signed a thing. I’m doing one next Tuesday in a wingsuit, which the experts said was suicide until they saw my piece of paper. Then they went quiet.
Shoot ’em if you got ’em, smackheads, because your opiate-derived drug of choice is now safe as f**k. And I’m not just talking end user. The entire supply chain, from the poppy fields of Laos to the smugglers bringing it in, is now completely free of risk because of a visionary new paper I signed saying so. I’m jacking up right now. Why not?
Time to switch into reverse, BBC, because Top Gear is now absolutely, incontrovertibly safe. All crashes will see a much-loved TV presenter stagger away unharmed with a thumbs-up to camera, even if it’s a 1998 Ford Fiesta driven seatbelt-free out of a Shard penthouse. My apologies to Freddie Flintoff. I honestly didn’t realise I could do this.
Crossing the channel in a small boat
We Tories have nothing against migrants but hate to see them forced into dangerous trafficking, which is why we came up with the whole Rwanda idea to put them off. But it’s occurred to me I can just cut out the middleman and make the small boats safe! It’s brilliant. No, wait, I’m being told very firmly not to do this. Forget this one.
Every marginal seat
From my own seat of Braintree to the Red Wall, every single marginal seat held by a Tory is now a safe seat. Re-election is guaranteed. You don’t even have to campaign, just turn up on election night to enjoy the win. I am going to be bought a shit-ton of drinks in the Tea Room tonight.
Leaving the TV plug turned on overnight
I won’t lie, I’m running out of things to make safe. My mum always told me you should turn off the plug that the telly’s on overnight or it might burst into flames and burn the house down. Well now it won’t. Not that I ever actually did it anyway. Man, the world’s so boring now I’ve made it all safe. It’s tough being a god.