SNP to hold referendum on independence from Sturgeon

THE Scottish National Party is to hold an independence referendum over its association with Nicola Sturgeon.

Following its former leader’s arrest on Sunday, the Scottish National Party is to hold a once-in-a-generation referendum on whether it should sever all ties with Sturgeon, her husband and their former treasurer to go its own way.

SNP leader Humza Yousaf said: “We’re calling it Indyref 2 and the British government’s more than happy for us to hold it.

“The question is simple. Should the SNP be forever shackled to a woman being investigated for significant financial irregularities, a woman who bloody loved putting questions to the public, or get rid?

“Some say ‘how can you survive without her?’ or ‘where’s your gratitude?’ or ‘better together’, but we existed as a party and a national identity before Sturgeon, and I’m confident we can again.

“The question will be put to the people. And if we lose by a narrow margin then we’re fully prepared to override the democratic process and have another go in a couple of years.”

“It’s what Sturgeon would have wanted.”

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New hire at work acting weirder than any person has ever acted

A NEW employee is showing real promise to be the strangest and most unsettling being ever to have set foot in an office. 

New starter Oliver O’Connor has only been in role a week and is already amazing the whole floor not with his enthusiasm or business acumen but because of what an outright freak he appears to be.

Sales analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “Oliver went around on the first day but wouldn’t shake anyone’s hand. He bowed and said, ‘that’s how they do it in Japan’.”

“Then, at lunch, he didn’t go out to Pret. He got out four different containers, microwaved them at different heats and shit and ate a fish curry from a plate he washed and returned to his rucksack. He does that with his mug as well.

“In the team briefing he took notes on his phone while humming and when Angela was talking about the Beyonce gig he said ‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this woman, is she a mezzo-soprano?’

“Apparently he ‘watched a kabbadi event’ at the weekend. What the f**k? James reckons we should give him a chance, but I sit near him and he smells of ham and Fairy Liquid.”

O’Connor said: “I think I’m going down well so far. I’ve made some funny jokes.”