'So, who else hates scum?': Six failed conversation starters with defector MP Natalie Elphicke

FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far:

“Mental health? Lazy, overprivileged little f**ks more like”

Beginning with a common-sense criticism of the unmanageable disability benefit bill seemed uncontroversial, but Natalie was surprised to be met by stunned silence. Surely her fellow Labour MPs aren’t falling for the lies of the workshy and their leftie GPs?

“A few bullets into the crowd as a warning and that’s the protests over”

Moving to pro-Palestine protests should be safer ground. Everybody hates them clogging up central London with apologies for terrorism. Fight fire with fire, yeah? An awkward pause while Yvette Cooper explains that would be illegal. ‘Only according to the police,’ Natalie answers.

“The trouble is Rwanda’s too good for them”

Time to win friends. The MP for Dover outlines the reason the Rwanda policy was doomed: because Rwanda, with its one-party state and recent history of ethnic genocide, is an earthly paradise to these small boat vermin. What’s wrong with Antarctica if we need a deterrent? What does she get back? Nothing.

“My ideal dinner party guests? Owen Jones, Michelle Obama, Prince Harry, Gary Lineker and I’d serve death cap mushrooms”

Lightening the mood with a relatable hypothetical about four universal hate figures, Natalie’s shocked that it falls flat. Indeed some Northern wet claims to be a friend of Owen, which is like saying Pol Pot’s a decent guy when you get to know him. She’s beginning to have serious doubts about these people.

“Brexit, eh? Absolutely bloody brilliant”

Surely this is an area where there’s absolutely no possibility of disagreement. Whatever your party, whatever your beliefs, the Brexit that Boris Johnson so skilfully negotiated has been an outright triumph. That’s Labour policy, for God’s sake! But again nothing but glum faces.

“F**king BBC”

One last try, and just when Natalie was giving up she meets with enthusiastic assent. Everyone’s complaining about BBC bias, prejudiced Question Time audiences, selecting guests by political agenda, etcetera. Finally she feels she’s among friends until wait, what: these halfwits think Laura Kuenssberg is right-wing? Seriously? That woke bitch?

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'An erection on the bus is a sex crime': Unexpected problems of having a 12" penis

By that bloke on This Morning

YOU probably think it’s great having the biggest penis in Britain, but big cocks aren’t all plain sailing. Sometimes, like King Midas, I wonder if my donger is a curse, not a blessing.

If women don’t know you’ve got a monstrous phallus, you have to steer the conversation towards it. Have you tried getting from Civil War to your pork torpedo in logical conversational steps? You can’t say: ‘I bet Kirsten Dunst likes big knobs.’ That’s just weird. It’d be easier with Boogie Nights, but mentioning a 1997 Mark Wahlberg film apropos of nothing is pretty odd too.

Nonetheless I do get women wanting to sleep with me, especially after being on TV. Cool, huh? Not really. Imagine the sort of cackling chav harridans who suggest it. They’re not exactly Sydney Sweeney. Sid James is a more accurate comparison.

On the rare occasions my meat muppet attracts someone I fancy, I’m terrified they see me as a sex object. ‘Is it me you love, or just my gargantuan spunk-pump?’ is not a conversation you want to have.

And there are the non-sexual drawbacks. Let’s just say I quickly learned not to wear Speedos during family swim time at the leisure centre. Fashionable skinny jeans become instantly pornographic, and I can’t even wear comfortable jogging bottoms because boy, do those things stretch if you get an erection on the bus.

Speaking of erections, my penis requires an alarming amount of blood to become engorged. It’s all I can do not to pass out during sex, and I live in fear of ploughing my car into a group of pedestrians if I get too aroused by an M&S underwear advert on a billboard.

The cruellest blow is that having a big penis does not automatically make you good in bed. Ladies expect a screaming, juddering, mind-blowing orgasm, and if you have merely average ‘staying power’ they can be very forthright about their disappointment. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep due to my incredible schlong.

So believe me when I say there is a price to pay for a massive penis – a price paid in humiliation and tears. It truly is a double-edged pork sword.