Tuesday, 4th August 2020

'Stop being so bloody wet': Boris Johnson's rules for the coronavirus crisis

AS prime minister, let me say I am bloody pissed off. This was meant to be my year. Here’s what you as Britons can do to not upset me further.

Don’t make a fuss

If you get the coronavirus, and you will because we’re not doing anything to stop it, don’t come running to me. Or the NHS. You’ve let me down and you’re making me look bad in front of Trump. Self-isolate to think about what you’ve done. 

Stop saying schools should be closed

All the EU countries are closing schools therefore I’m not. That’s it. Perhaps you missed a little thing called Brexit? That’s what everything should be about right now. Me doing Brexit. Not some stupid twat of a virus. Pull yourselves together and stop being so bloody wet.

Wash your hands

I had all this great Brexit stuff planned. The lefties were going to go apeshit, which is the whole point. Now COVID-19’s making it look like co-operation between neighbouring nations is unavoidable and necessary, which I’m livid about. Now wash your f**king hands. 

Don’t panic-buy

It’s bad enough you’re making me look an idiot, but now you’re doing the same to the free market. Exposing how fragile our supply chains are is the last thing I need before we leave the EU with no deal, and exactly the same thing happens. 

When you die leave a note saying it’s not my fault

Take the time to write a little note, signed in pen, saying something like: ‘I think Boris has done a fantastic job and this is my fault not his and he should be allowed to carry on all his plans as normal.’ Keep it on you at all times. Honestly, if I’d known all this shit was in the pipeline I’d have left May in charge for another year.