The Brexiter's guide to ending freedom of movement

BREXITERS will be delighted by plans to end freedom of movement, but have you thought it through properly? Read our guide on the slim off-chance you haven’t. 

Don’t expect all the foreigners to just disappear

This is due to an irksome problem known as ‘living in the modern world’. Fortunately you can go back in time without inventing a TARDIS by simply watching Yesterday channel all day, particularly the utopian vision of Britain depicted in The World at War.

Prepare for surprisingly expensive food

Without EU workers, and with tariffs, plentiful fresh food may be a thing of the past. To avoid getting scurvy crush up multivitamin tablets and sprinkle them on your full English. (Now defined as one bacon rasher, 15 baked beans and some powdered egg.)

Do expect holiday grief

No-hassle holiday travel is likely to be replaced by queues, tedious health paperwork and your pound being worth bugger all after no-deal. Practise for this scenario by filling out a tax return while standing in the longest queue at Asda without enough money to pay for your shopping. 

Get ready for some unappealing job opportunities

A cornucopia of demanding jobs will become vacant, including care home assistant, Amazon warehouse worker and delivery driver. If you are unemployed with the Tories in charge of benefits sanctions, now is an entirely appropriate moment to sh*t your pants.

Hope you don’t get offered a brilliant job abroad

You’ll be at a disadvantage if you apply for a job involving travel to different EU countries. Luckily this applies more to people like scientists and game designers, not Brexiters whose tech skills are limited to posting “Merkle wil come BEGGING too us withOUT are £39 pounds!!!” on the BBC News website.

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Playing cricket in England for five days ‘practical joke that went too far’

THE idea of holding a five-day cricket match in England was initially conceived as a prank, it has emerged.

The discovery was made after researchers found an extra page of the Laws of Cricket that had fallen down behind a radiator at the Marylebone Cricket Club.

The page contained a list of further rules that gave the game away, while a footnote read: “Of course this is nonsense. We might as well suggest playing at the bottom of the sea.”

Spokesman Stephen Malley said: “Sure, it seems obvious now. Why would we schedule a game in England that needs five days without rain? But hindsight is 20/20.

“Given that we only get rain in London every other day, it’s plausible enough. Building a cricket stadium in Manchester is taking the piss, though.”