The coke snorters are your f**king voters, Tories told

MIDDLE-AGED middle-class affluent recreational class A drug users are your f**king voter base, they have explained to the prime minister. 

The country’s after-dinner snorters have advised the Conservative party that if they lose their passports and driving licences, Johnson will very swiftly lose his 80-seat majority.

Julian Cook of Swaffham said: “Who do these twats think is snorting three grams on the balcony of their London penthouse with a Slovenian model whose name they can’t be arsed to remember? I’ll give you a clue. It’s not Lib f**king Dems.

“I’m a Tory, my dealer’s a Tory, his dealer’s a Tory, the wholesaler’s a non-dom so he can’t vote but he certainly donates. Who do these little people in government think they are?

“And it’s not just the rich. All those England supporters at Wembley, taking a bump then sticking flares up their arses? Ardent Remainers, you reckon? Or perhaps not?

“Snorting coke gives you impregnable self-confidence and instills in you the urgent need to make as much money as you possibly can to get more coke. These are the Tories’ core values.

“Take my passport? Piss off. How many videos of Boris doing a line must be out there? Hundreds. Thousands. Millions.”

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Fantasy author creates incredibly believable world by spelling normal words slightly wrong

A FANTASY author praised for his stunning worldbuilding just takes everyday words and spells them slightly differently, it has emerged. 

Norman Steele, author of bestselling fantasy series The Swordingsong of Garr-Eth, has admitted that his books just take words like ‘priest’ and ‘wizard’, change them to ‘preist’ and ‘wyszard’ and the money rolls in.

He continued: “If you look closely, all of my characters are called normal names like Gary or Steve. But change it a little – spell it Garie or Sta’eve, for example – and everyone goes apeshit for it.

“My publisher says readers want to believe they’re not just reading the same old tired fantasy tropes. My solution? The same old fantasy tropes but I’ve spruced up the words a little. And I’m acclaimed for my groundbreaking originality.

“Tolkien had the One Ring, I have the Lone Hring. Narnia had the wardrobe, I have the Loft Between Worlds. It’s so f**king easy I still can’t quite believe it works.”

Steele is approaching the release of sixteenth novel in the series and has big plans for the grand finale. He said: “Jenni’fer and Richoord face off against the Despiser. Maybe destroying an artefact with the unexpected help of small, hairy, pure-hearted people.

“I’ll call them pygmlings, just to be on the safe side, and wait for the TV offers. If The Wheel of Time’s getting made, why not my shit?”