The farmer's guide to voting for Brexit then being a dick about it

ARE you a farmer who fervently supported Brexit but now realises you’re up shit creek? Here’s how to be a dick about it.

Demand special treatment

Insist the government protects you financially from the thing you just fucking voted for. If this sounds incredibly stupid, like shooting your dog then wondering why it doesn’t bark at intruders, that’s because it is.  

Dump a load of manure somewhere

Load a trailer with manure and dump it outside your local town hall. Don’t worry that they’re totally powerless over Brexit and you’ve just made it doubly unpleasant to visit the housing benefit office. You didn’t bother with research before the referendum.

Take down your ‘Vote Leave’ sign

Sneak into a field at night and remove your huge ‘Vote Leave’ sign, although frankly it’s a bit late because every passing Remainer has already muttered ‘bloody idiot farmers’.

Think of a good excuse for being thick

Cheap food imports, EU farming subsidies, tariffs on farm produce – these are all things people who grow food and animals for a living might reasonably be expected to have heard of.

Think up a farm-related excuse for your stupidity – farmers work so hard they don’t have time for any form of media, or maybe a cow trod on your head.

Blame the National Farmers’ Union

Actually the NFU strongly opposed Brexit, but perhaps they should have come round personally and shouted in your ruddy face with a megaphone until you finally got the message.

Take it out on townies

Relieve your Brexit stress by intimidating ramblers, ideally while cradling a shotgun. Those retired English teachers were probably planning to steal diesel anyway.

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Evil Guardian once again tricks football fan with article about women's football

THE scheming, duplicitous Guardian has again hoodwinked an innocent football fan into browsing an article about women’s football.

Nathan Muir clicked on a story about players being called up to England’s World Cup squad before realising it was a women’s squad for the women’s World Cup, played by women.

He said: “They’ve got Gary Neville’s name in there. That’s deliberately deceptive.

“This isn’t the first time, either. Just at the weekend I read about Arsenal’s van de Donk scoring a brace against West Ham and was confused as to the identity of this promising youth player. She’s called Danielle. It was a woman.

“I’ve nothing against it. It’s just misleading, the way they mix them together as if they’re in some way related rather than total opposites.”

Muir added: “What if I start getting interested in it? What happens to me then?”