The five types of twat who will end up leading the Conservative party

WONDERING who will replace Boris Johnson? Look forward to one of these five types of awful person leading the Conservative party.

Obvious twat

Members of the cabinet are the front runners here. Raab, Patel and Sunak will spend the weekend plotting to stab each other in the back, only to be beaten by Nadhim Zahawi, who’s already proved he’s enough of a bastard for the position. It takes big balls to accept a job from your boss then tell him to resign. Or perhaps just being a twat.

Retro twat

Remember Penny Mordaunt of Splash fame? The former international development secretary could be back on our screens, although in a much less entertaining capacity. In the unlikely event of Nadine Dorries putting herself forward as leader, Penny has the advantage of dicking about on a diving board being far less embarrassing than eating crocodile knobs on I’m A Celebrity.

Obscure twat

The Conservative party is brimming with obscure upstarts desperate to get their claws on the levers of power. Could the country soon be run by MP for Basingstoke Maria Miller? That would be a lucky dip. Or what about Steve Baker, only really known to politics buffs? He’s a Brexit nutter who proudly considers himself ‘anti-green’, so frankly he may as well just become PM right now.

Disturbingly competent twat

If there’s one thing Labour should fear, it’s the Jeremy Hunts of the world who could convince the public they aren’t running the country into the ground, forcing Labour to replace Keir Starmer with someone even more boring. Anyone vaguely competent will look like even better in comparison to Boris Johnson, and it can’t be that hard not to be half-cut all the time and rambling about Peppa Pig.

Liz Truss

Truss would be the UK’s first political leader who could be distracted by a laser pointer while delivering the most excruciatingly awkward speeches known to man. Nothing would get done under her watch because she’d insist on posing for terrible photos every five minutes. The entire nation would live in terror of another speech about cheese.

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'I was dared to': The thickest excuses you used as a child

CHILDREN do thick things, for thick reasons. Here are some of the densest excuses you used to justify your behaviour as a child. 

‘There’s a monster under my bed’

Desperate for a few extra minutes of TV before bed, you cunningly pretend there’s a horrifying monster living in your room. And your gullible parents fall for it. Fools. However, when you do go to bed, you’ve bought into the hype and now believe there’s some hideous demon just inches below your mattress and you spend the night shitting it.

‘I was dared to’

Earning the respect of your peers is never more important than when you’re a child. Unfortunately, your peers are also idiotic children impressed by absolute nonsense. So when you accidentally break the new TV by hurling a banana at it after your friend dares you to, see how much traction this gets with your furious parents.

‘They made me’

You’re playing the sympathy card, trying to make it sound like you only stole chocolate from that corner shop under duress. Unfortunately, you’re not some drug dealer in over their head who has to do whatever their kingpin says for fear of their life. You’re a greedy eight-year-old in Nantwich who just wanted a Mars bar for free.

‘My friend said it would be funny’

Standing by the smouldering remains of your school bag, surrounded by the local fire brigade and your livid parents, even you can tell how feeble an excuse this is. Sure, setting fire to your bag seemed like a fun idea, but as soon as that Jansport logo went up in flames you knew you’d made a massive mistake.

‘Everyone else was doing it’

A classic. You think, as a seven-year-old, that this is as bulletproof an excuse as they come. Flash forward several years and you realise that this was the exact thinking used by defendants in the Nuremberg Trials. While you may only have used it to justify being caught scribbling on your desk in school, it’s best to make sure things don’t escalate.