The gammon's guide to panic buying for Brexit

YOU may have voted for Brexit, but that’s no reason not to stock up on vital supplies. Here’s what every gammon should be buying.

All the toilet paper

Wiping your arse without bog paper is horrific, so buy as much as will fit in your car. This will cause shortages, but you will get to shaft other people. Result.

Home entertainment in case everything shuts down

We suggest plenty of World War 2 films (or just Where Eagles Dare) and a dart board to affix Michel Barnier’s face to. He’s the Frenchman who caused this.

All-day breakfast in a tin (three months’ supply)

Fresh bacon and mushrooms won’t keep long, but luckily you can get a full English breakfast in a tin. The weird pig-sphincter ‘bacon’ and lumps of congealed egg are fucking revolting, but you knew exactly what you were voting for and you love it.

Avocados

A strange choice for a gammon, right? WRONG. Stick a load in the freezer and sell them to millennials for £150 each.  From reading the Mail, Express and Telegraph you know that snowflakes are not just weak, they’re stupid too.

Calming music

Being furious about Brexit since 2016 will have taken a toll on your brain and you’re going to need to chill out from the added stress of no-deal. Try pan pipes or something New Agey. But not Enya. She’s Irish, the treacherous EU cow.

Eggs

Either eat them, or leave them by a radiator so they grow into chickens, thus ensuring an infinite supply of eggs and chickens. Experts will tell you this won’t work, which means that it will.

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Useless headmistress cross again

THE headmistress has called another special assembly to tell pupils and teachers alike how very cross she is with them.

Headteacher Mrs May, who is always stressed out because she is not very good at her job, criticised the recent disobedience that is letting the whole school down.

She told the assembly she was just doing what was best for the school, even though it is near the bottom of the league tables, and repeated several times that she was sick and tired of repeating herself.

The headmistress added she was “very disappointed” the open day had been delayed, and without an improvement in behaviour the school trip to Welney Wetland Centre could be cancelled.

She concluded by saying she was especially disappointed in certain members of staff, “who know who they are”, causing a tense, unpleasant atmosphere and making Mr Hammond’s lower lip wobble.

The headmistress then left in a weird, panicky way and everyone immediately began talking about what a mental freakout case she was.