The government's six latest distractions from its piss-poor record

AS the UK records the worst death rates in Europe, the government has been keeping national morale up by diverting attention elsewhere. Here is some more nonsense to expect before too long.

Tests to be increased to two million a day by June

Some might say it’s insane to keep chucking out unachievable numbers. However if you could keep making absurd claims without ever really being held to account, wouldn’t you be tempted to say you’re a billionaire who invented the sandwich toaster? 

Boris and Carrie to have more children

Another child on the way should provide a decent distraction from a second wave of coronavirus. Even if you find the fawning Dail Mail coverage nauseating, you’ll still be slightly distracted by the latest ‘unusual’ name, eg. Hercules Hexagon Johnson. 

Boring lockdown is over 

The government cares so much about your wellbeing it is freeing you from the tyranny of staying at home. Have a jolly tube journey, go to the garden centre or get back to your lucrative office cleaning job. Just one minor caveat: if you get coronavirus now, it is your fault.

Preparations for Winston Churchill’s upcoming 150th birthday

In 2024, it will be the 150th birthday of Winston Churchill, as well as the 60th birthday of Boris Johnson. This is a superb opportunity for a distraction, so preparations will be announced as soon as possible to procure a billion miles of bunting and make coins with Spitfires on.

‘Bung a bob for Big Ben to bong for the NHS’

Clever plan to combine appreciation for NHS staff with Britain’s obsession with Big Ben. Send some money and every Thursday night Big Ben will ‘bong’. It’s that simple.

Boris to go on Have I Got News For You

Instead of looking bored and incompetent, Boris can go back to his comfort zone of burbling on like a big, loveable Bertie Wooster. Tragically, this is likely to prove massively successful with voters who don’t really pay attention to things.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man goes on disappointing summer holiday to his childhood memories

A MIDDLE aged man has managed to go on a disappointing summer holiday during lockdown by revisiting his childhood memories.

After having to cancel this year’s break in Spain, Joseph Turner, 45, attempted to immerse himself in the holidays of his youth, only to realise they were all crap.

Father-of-two Turner said: “I thought it would be joyfully nostalgic, but now I realise there’s nowhere I’d like to visit less than my past.

“My childhood featured every disappointing holiday. Miserable fortnights in rain-drenched Welsh ghost towns. Grotty amusement arcades in Southend and far too much krazy golf.

“My parents rented a canal boat once, which just meant going to pubs where I could only drink Britvic and living in cramped conditions not dissimilar to Das Boot.

“Even the school holidays were just full of dodgy haircuts, spots and unrequited teenage love. If I were to give the best years of my life a TripAdvisor rating it would be a solid two-star experience. Would not recommend.

“However it’s a lot cheaper than Center Parcs so I might try and convince the whole family to go on a ‘memory holiday’ next year.”