The Tory MP's incredibly hypocritical guide to drugs

TEMPTED to dabble with drugs? Here Conservative MP Martin Bishop explains why it’s fine when he and his chums do it, but obviously not for you plebs.

Expensive drugs aren’t really drugs

Cocaine is about £50 a gram, and you’ll buy a lot more, I know I do. As such it’s nothing like a grubby little 15 quid lump of cannabis and more a professional person’s harmless pick-me-up. Okay, my friend Hugo started to think Mossad had put a chip in his brain and then his nose fell off, but he was probably allergic.

Drugs are a well-known symptom of a mid-life crisis

Tory MPs don’t take drugs to get high as a f**king kite like actual druggy scum. They’re obviously having some personal trauma like a mid-life crisis. We’re just very sensitive so we need to stick several grand’s worth of gak up our noses instead of buying some unflatteringly tight jeans.

Claim you did not take drugs at university

As an MP you should concoct a confusing tale that bears no relation to reality, eg. ‘I had a microscopic puff on a joint but I had no idea what it was’, or ‘Cocaine/E/heroin obviously has no effect on me’. You’d expect blatant bollocks like this would get you ripped to shreds by the media, but the editors all want to keep getting your gossipy WhatsApp messages. Or they’re your brother-in-law.

MPs are under a lot of pressure

The responsibilities are endless. You’ve got to remember to vote how the whips told you to. You’ve got to laugh on cue when Boris says something brilliant like ‘Captain Kiddy Fiddler’s Friend’. And of course there’s the constant worry that some party researcher will mistakenly think you fondling her arse was in some way sexual.

Support any draconian crackdown on drugs

Back any nutso anti-drug measure, eg. a ‘long, sharp shock’ of 10 years in prison for 14-year-olds caught trying to smoke banana peel. After years of eulogising the armed forces then cutting their funding, clapping for nurses but paying them slave wages, and so on, you’ll have forgotten what ‘hypocrisy’ means. Personally I’d have to consult a plain English dictionary.

When you’re caught out, book into a psychiatric ward

Private, obviously. NHS food isn’t fit for pigs. Anyway, plebs take drugs because they’re slavering beasts who just want to get high. You’re a complex, troubled soul bravely battling a terrible illness. Also it might deflect a bit of the flak when that party researcher reveals you asked if she wanted to hold ‘Mr Humongous the trouser snake’.

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Absolute bollocks that kids believe from movies

CHILDREN are credulous idiots who are easily influenced by things they see on telly. Here is some of the nonsense they completely believe:

Real danger doesn’t exist

Unless they are unquestionably villains, people don’t die from falling off cliffs or high buildings because they are always saved at the last nanosecond by grasping someone’s hand or an implausibly thin bit of rope. Dissuade them from testing this when you take them for a trip up the Shard.

Big cakes are only for falling into

Is there a party featuring a large, multi-tiered cake which has been lovingly prepared by a camp, angry chef? It will never get eaten because in less than one minute someone will fall dramatically into it. Similarly, small cakes are never consumed because they are only for pushing your enemy’s face into.

Being yourself is a good thing

A popular theme in kids’ films is that being yourself is the path to happiness. Given that they’re learning this lesson from another child pretending to be someone they aren’t it’s strange that they believe it, but children are gullible little suckers so they swallow it wholesale.

School is interesting

American schools are full of well-dressed kids striding down clean, bright school corridors and engaging in glamorous stories about prom queens and cheerleaders. Sadly, the reality of British schooling is that the buildings are scruffy, the uniform is a shiny nylon jumper and the most interesting thing that will ever happen is when the naughty kid puts a condom in the maths teacher’s flask.

Violence is fun

From Home Alone to Tom & Jerry, children’s films and TV are jam-packed with horrifically violent scenes, such as getting smacked in the face with a full tin of paint or being set on fire. However, these acts of aggression and the injuries they cause are hilarious and fun, and no one is left with a traumatic case of PTSD in the aftermath.