This should've been Freedom Day, say furloughed workers in pub at midday

WORKERS on temporary paid leave nursing pints in a bar at lunchtime are bemoaning the cancellation of Britain’s Freedom Day. 

With limited restrictions remaining in place until next month, workers on furlough have been forced to drown their sorrows from the confinement of a pub while earning just 80 per cent of their salary.

Nightclub barman Tom Booker said: “If the Delta variant hadn’t come along and f**ked everything up I’d be preparing to work until 3am right now. Instead I’m here knocking back rounds on the company’s dime like a prisoner.

“Call this freedom? I don’t.”

Graphic designer Martin Bishop agreed: “The hardest part is the disappointment. The government said Freedom Day was set in stone. I should be back in the office today but instead I’m here and we can’t even sit out because it’s raining.

“They’ve taken away our God-given right to work without our consent. I can’t even go to the bar. I have to order my Bulmers on an app. Much more of this and there’ll be revolution.

“I’m going on holiday to the Peak District next week. And it’s all Boris’s fault.”

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The middle-aged man's guide to only cooking outside when it's sunny

EVERY man loves to cook for his family under a very specific set of circumstances that occurs no more than three times a year. Here’s how to do it middle-aged style: 

Choose an uncomfortably hot day

There’s no point firing up the barbecue when it’s overcast. Only showcase your culinary skills on the hottest day of the year so guests will be dizzy with heat stroke while they sit on the patio hearing you reflect on the mysteries of charcoal.

Take two hours to light it

Lighting a barbecue is an art, so make it clear that it is near-impossible, only years of training has enabled you to master it and nobody must interfere. Even when you get some flames going, insist that they are not the right type of flames for the superior grilling that awaits your diners.

Let others assist 

You’re taking charge of the cooking, so you can’t be distracted by any of the prep. Leave the marinading, the chopping, the skewering and the washing up to the kitchen people ie your wife, and ensure they know you cannot leave the barbecue unattended for even a moment.

Kill anyone who touches the tongs

The barbecue is your realm, and so you are right to destroy anyone who dares interfere with the turning of the meat. Having invested in some premium long locking stainless-steel tongs, under no circumstances allow their holiness to be tainted.

Only you may pronounce the burgers ready

Never forget that you know best. If those burgers need to be blackened in order to reach the elusive ‘cooked through’ status, then so be it. Your instincts are honed through several days of experience at the grill and no-one should doubt your judgement.

Expect praise for the rest of the year

Preparing one or two outstanding meals for friends and family a year is a feat few humans ever achieve and as such you deserve commendation, respect and a rest. Halfway through any roast dinner prepared by someone else is a perfect moment to remember the incredible feast you blessed the world with six months earlier.