EVER wondered how some people amble through life never getting anywhere? They know these secrets – and you can too:
Never try to get anything done in less than an hour
Got to get the washing out in 45 minutes? Then there’s no time to start that email, or indeed to imagine you can do anything productive without being forced to abandon it and start again. Better scroll mindlessly through Twitter instead.
Believe that life will come to you
You once read this on a mug and embraced it as an easy way to never chase your dreams. If you’re meant to be a theatre producer, the RSC will knock on your door one day. And if destiny intends you to slump on the sofa with a multipack of Crunchies watching A Place in the Sun, so be it.
The best careers aren’t out there advertising on jobsearch websites. They’re hiding at the bottom of articles and sneaking into unregulated comments sections. You’ve just signed up for a position where a woman’s making $4,800 a week working from home. Beating the system.
Other people tend to say really boring stuff that’s about them, not you. Perfect the art of nodding and saying ‘mmm-hmm’ while preparing your next glittering conversational contribution. That’s what the bits where they talk are for.
Never write anything down
Like a smug waiter, explain that it’s all filed away up there in your brain, which is why everyone gets shit they didn’t order and you’re two grand overdrawn because you can’t remember your online banking login.
Live for today
It could all end tomorrow, so live for the moment. Even if it leads to you being hopelessly unfaithful, never saving a mortgage deposit and never having loo roll. It’s all about the journey to you, which is why you’re working nights as an Uber driver.