THE Conservatives are seizing control of the electoral narrative with a series of personal attacks on Keir Starmer, beginning by calling him a fat, sweaty whoremonger.
Rishi Sunak believes he can turn voting intentions upside-down by accusing his opponent of being a wheezing, overweight arsehole who spent his career as a lawyer freeing murderers so he would not have to work past 2pm.
He continued: “Starmer’s hefty overhanging gut completely conceals his micropenis. Yeah. That seat’s not looking so marginal now, is it?
“His red, puffing face is that of an officious rival train who tries to stop Thomas the Tank Engine winning a race by citing petty rules and regulations. And when he shits it stinks out the battlebus.
“During Jeremy Corbyn’s anarchist raids on the Bank of England and the Palace Starmer stood behind him handing him bombs, and now Angela Rayner’s his dominatrix and does him with a strap-on. Also he lactates.”
Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said: “We didn’t want to get personal, in part because our leader is a doll-sized helicopter’s bitch, but the public needs to know the truth about Starmer. We have footage of him scratching his arse then sniffing his fingers.”
Professor Sir John Curtice said: “Now let’s see if that’s made any difference to the polls.”
