Tories to experiment with calling Starmer a 'fat wanker'

THE Conservatives are seizing control of the electoral narrative with a series of personal attacks on Keir Starmer, beginning by calling him a fat, sweaty whoremonger. 

Rishi Sunak believes he can turn voting intentions upside-down by accusing his opponent of being a wheezing, overweight arsehole who spent his career as a lawyer freeing murderers so he would not have to work past 2pm.

He continued: “Starmer’s hefty overhanging gut completely conceals his micropenis. Yeah. That seat’s not looking so marginal now, is it?

“His red, puffing face is that of an officious rival train who tries to stop Thomas the Tank Engine winning a race by citing petty rules and regulations. And when he shits it stinks out the battlebus.

“During Jeremy Corbyn’s anarchist raids on the Bank of England and the Palace Starmer stood behind him handing him bombs, and now Angela Rayner’s his dominatrix and does him with a strap-on. Also he lactates.”

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said: “We didn’t want to get personal, in part because our leader is a doll-sized helicopter’s bitch, but the public needs to know the truth about Starmer. We have footage of him scratching his arse then sniffing his fingers.”

Professor Sir John Curtice said: “Now let’s see if that’s made any difference to the polls.”

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Wetherspoons offering all-inclusive breaks

HIGH street pub juggernaut Wetherspoons is offering customers all-inclusive breaks at its hostelries at a wide variety of UK locations. 

Travellers would pay a fixed fee for unlimited food, unlimited drinks and basic accommodation but mainly unlimited drinks, and go to exotic places like Redditch, Peterborough and Ashton-in-Makerfield.

A spokesman said: “Why do you book an all-inclusive? F**k off it’s the sunshine and the swimming pool. Stop lying.

“Research shows most Brits on all-inclusive holidays spent the fortnight in the shade by the bar stuffing their faces and sinking lagers, desperately trying to get more than they paid for when they can never offset the flight.

“Who needs abroad? Our package gives you that immersive all-inclusive experience without the torment of bright sunshine or frustrating interactions with foreigners. There’s no need for passports and no border queues.

“You get a reserved table and a wristband to differentiate you from the pay-as-you-go customers which also allows you back in when you’re thrown out, which will happen. Only six pints of craft ale per person per day, that’s just to keep the atmosphere upbeat.

“Entertainment provided by the clientele as usual, Steak Club and Curry Club compris, Euro 2024 on the big telly.  An authentic all-inclusive holiday experience in magical suburban Lincolnshire, or beyond.”

Customer Roy Hobbs said: “That’s me sorted. Where do I sign?”