Tories urge country not to politicise politicians being bad at politics

THE CONSERVATIVE Party has asked Britain not to turn their current political f**k up into something political.

Just because Dominic Cummings, the man at the centre of a huge national scandal, is senior adviser to the most important politician in politics there is no reason to get all political about it, they have asserted.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock said: “It is beyond the pale to play party politics at a time when our party has, once again, done something politically dreadful.

“In this particular case, we’d instead like you to swallow some emotional blackmail about poor little kiddies, because then we can make you look like heartless bastards for trying to politicise children.

“It may be a completely doomed attempt to deflect attention from this particular political shitshow, but  we’ve got to try something.”

Tory ministers have stated that it is fine to politicise some things, but when it comes to politicians and politics the plebeian masses should just tut and go back to watching whatever it is they watch on Channel 4.

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Woman's favourite evening activity is waiting for partner to fall asleep

A WOMAN has confirmed that she spends most evenings eagerly waiting for her partner to fall asleep so she can start doing what she actually wants to do.

Nikki Hollis says she is genuinely happy with partner Nathan Muir, but also enjoys her own company and having total control of the TV remote.

“I love Nathan but the part of the evening when he’s awake feels very long. I keep myself buoyed up with the thought that his eyes can’t stay open forever, especially if he makes us sit through another foreign-language thriller recommended by someone called ‘Steve’.

“Recently, I’ve been encouraging him to start drinking earlier in the day. Then once he’s out cold, I’m free to put on Glow Up and shovel tablespoons of Nutella directly down my throat.

“If he was an insomniac I would just drug him.”