Truss confident she'll win back British public by killing Larry the cat

THE prime minister is sure she will win back the trust and support of voters by having Larry the cat put down, it has emerged.

Liz Truss believes that by making good on her commitment to cut wasteful spending and trim the state, she will persuade Britons of her competence once and for all.

A Number 10 spokesperson said: “Larry consumes two pouches of Whiskas Meaty Selection and a saucer of milk every day, the greedy bastard, and it soon adds up.

“By having him destroyed we can save about a tenner a week, an efficiency this country needs, which will be passed on to high wage earners. It’ll trickle down eventually, whatever that means.

“Also, I’ve been told to say that this has nothing to do with Larry snubbing Liz on the doorstep during a visit from the Danish prime minister. She definitely didn’t call him a ‘disrespectful anti-growth Marxist like the RSPB and Nadine sodding Dorries’ and try to kick him. Absolutely not.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t believe Liz Truss is idiotic enough to think getting rid of a pet cat will play well with a nation of animal lovers.

“Oh, hang on, actually. I can.”

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Which menu items should lead to which sex acts on a date? A man explains

IF you pay for a meal, it’s basic etiquette that your date is sexually indebted to you. Here man Martin Bishop explains what sexual favours are owed for various food choices.

Just a drink – kissing

If your date finds your opinions on vaccination, 9/11, or global warming too fearless and truthful and decides to leave after one drink, that’s their prerogative. However, given that you’ve footed the bill for a mojito in Wetherspoons, it’s only right that they provide you with some moderate to heavy kissing.

French onion soup – French kissing

You’ve taken them to the finest local bistro in Dagenham that has an early bird menu. You’ve just settled the bill with your waiter who you insisted on calling ‘garçon’ throughout the evening. Now it’s time to reap your reward as your date, their lips still erotically damp with onion broth, gives you a good snog with tongues.

Lasagne – hand stuff

After having paid for obviously microwaved lasagne from the poorly-rated gastropub you visited, the least you should expect is some light petting. A mutually convenient location should be agreed. For instance, if they’re in a rush to get home for work the next day, a handjob behind a bus shelter will, at a push, suffice. 

A curry – 69ing

You both enjoyed that delicious Indian meal, apart from paying for it, so now it’s time for dessert – his and hers blowjobs. Your date will be feeling sexual adventurous if you ordered an extra naan. Just ensure they’ve brushed their teeth if they’ve consumed a vindaloo, or any of the spicier curries. If not, prepare to suddenly feel as if the US Air Force has napalmed your jaffas.

A three-course meal – Full-blown intercourse

Assuming feminism hasn’t managed to finally kill off basic chivalry, it’s common courtesy for  your date to shag you if you’ve paid for their entire meal. Despite feeling ill after consuming so many low-quality pub meats, you can both manage a mutually underwhelming sexual experience. At least you’re getting some return on those unnecessary onion rings.