Two years ago today I did something f**king stupid

TWO years ago I did something extremely stupid, and on the second anniversary of that idiotic mistake I would like everyone to pretend I did not.

You may remember that early in 2017 I decided I would trigger Article 50 largely because I thought it would make me popular. I do not know why I thought that. But I did.

There were those who advised against it at the time, for reasons that were in retrospect totally obvious, but I did not even listen to those reasons. I felt, and once again I’m now unsure why, I did not have to.

Instead I had a picture taken of myself signing the document with my special gold-nibbed pen and a smile of self-satisfaction. It made me feel so confident in myself I called an election. That did not work out brilliantly.

But ever since that day I have pretended it was the right thing to do, and I’m glad to say I have been joined by my party, the media and much of the British public in that noble pretense.

They have joined me in insisting that March 29th 2019 be considered an important date everyone has agreed on, not an arbitrary date chosen on whim, and for that I am forever thankful.

Now I ask them to take part in that falsehood one last time as I attempt to force through a deal catastrophic for Britain’s future in order to cover up my catastrophic error in Britain’s recent past.

Thank you. In fact it was a good idea, wasn’t it? Yes, I thought it was.

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Man unaware he was having crisis of masculinity until Guardian told him

A MAN is worried he is not properly engaging with the ‘crisis of masculinity’ he read about in the Guardian.

Office worker Tom Booker was unconcerned about his maleness until he read the article introducing him to concepts such as being ‘disenfranchised by female empowerment’ and ‘toxic masculinity’.

Booker said: “I hadn’t really thought about my masculinity until I read the article. I now realise I should be having a total meltdown about it but I’m not sure where to be begin, to be honest.

“Should I blame women because they’ve stolen traditionally male jobs? I’ve always been happy my girlfriend is an engineer because she earns enough money for us to have a holiday twice a year.

“The article also said many men are lacking positive role models. I phoned my dad to check but he just wanted to talk about his tomatoes and new Sky package so I’m none the wiser.

“It’s the ‘toxic masculinity’ thing that worries me. Maybe I should be a lot angrier and starting fights? I don’t fancy my chances with that, though, because I’m mainly into collecting graphic novels.

“I think I need counselling to deal with it, or not, or just to clarify the whole issue. I’m still not even sure if you’re meant to put the toilet seat down.”