Vote Tory or Labour will make your car transgender. By Rishi Sunak

I LOVE cars and Britain’s wonderful, friendly car community. Ordinary, decent, hardworking car folk like you. And that’s why I can’t stand by and let Labour turn our beloved cars transgender.

You might not think it’s possible for a car to be transgender. But it is. At the garage you won’t be able to say ‘Fill her up’, you’ll have to say ‘Fill he/him/she/her/they/them up’. All for ten quids’ worth of petrol. And that will definitely happen if you don’t vote Tory.

That’s just one example. If our increasingly woke police stop you and you fail to to refer to your Audi as a ‘non-cis-gendered vehicle that identifies as gay, bi, trans, fluid or asexual’ you’ll get six points on your licence.

This is Labour’s plan. You might have spent upwards of £30,000 on a manly 4×4 like a Panzer, but you’ll be ordered to paint it pink and attach fake breasts to the bonnet, which will cause impotence and make it harder to park.

How, you might ask, do I know about this demented scheme – which is totally 100 per cent supported by Starmer, Rayner, Miliband, Reeves, Streeting and all the woke liberal Stalinists in modern Labour?

The answer is simple: it’s the sort of thing they would do. Our focus groups have found that many potential Tory voters like cars, but they’re not comfortable with transgenderism, particularly after our newspapers have spent a week hysterically screeching about perverts dangling massive great veiny penises in women’s faces in changing rooms.

I want a return to the time when cars were clearly male, like a Ford Capri, or female, like a little Mini Metro hatchback for doing your shopping. So I call on voters – especially working-class ones who might not put up with us posh wankers for much longer – to focus entirely on the issue of transgender cars and vote Tory.

And once I’m back in Number 10, I will help drivers by removing all speed limits in the UK. Because as we sensible car owners know, 99 per cent of accidents are caused by people going too slow.

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Man did not realise he would be acting as girlfriend's professional photographer

A MAN did not know that having the skills of a professional photographer would be a necessary requirement for a successful romantic relationship.

Jack Gardner thought that he would be judged on criteria such as fidelity, kindness and size of genitalia rather than whether he understood lighting, filters and the best angle to take a picture from to make someone look thin.

Gardner said: “Every time we step out of the house she’s looking for beautiful backdrops or quirky shops or shadowy doorways to be photographed in front of. It takes us ages just to get to the Sainbury’s at the bottom of the road for some shopping as I have to take 300 pictures of her on the way.

“Obviously I’m happy to take a few snaps of Sophie as a record of our relationship, but she’s expecting me to be Mario Testino rather than a bloke with an iPhone and zero idea what her ‘aesthetic’ is.”

Sophie Rodriguez said: “He’s useless at taking photos so I’m going to dump him. Which is fine, as the miserable break up shots will look better as selfies anyway.”