We ask you: who should replace Rishi Sunak as unelected prime minister?

SENIOR Tories have called for Rishi Sunak to be ousted before the election, when he is going anyway. But who should replace him? 

Roy Hobbs, retired: “Farage Johnson. Nigel and Boris, placed in the Large Hadron Collider, accelerated up to particle speeds, combined as one golden, immortal, infallibly right-wing demigod. Don’t tell me it can’t be done until they’ve tried.”

Susan Traherne, pharmaceutical sales: “Got to be Lord Cameron, the political giant who won one-and-two-thirds elections and two out of three referendums. Thank God he’s back.”

Steve Malley, HGV driver: “It’s Kemi Badenoch for me. I’m team Kemi. She’s got the right idea. What? No, I’ve no idea what her policies are or any of that shit. But you can just look at her and know that she hates them.”

Carolyn Ryan, wedding planner: “A new Rishi Sunak. Pop out a fresh one from the cloning banks, wash off the fluids, boot him up and watch him go.”

Grace Wood-Morris, dental nurse: “It’s Keir Stamer next, isn’t it? Is this a trick question?”

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Office 'best wishes' card signed by five million people

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.

The card has been passed from desk to desk for the last six months and disinterestedly scrawled with a non-specific message by 0.8 per cent of the British population.

The name of the recipient, along with any clues about the life event it relates to, has been completely obliterated under thousands of layers of blue and black ink.

Investigating officer DI Carolyn Ryan said: “Spectrographic analysis shows 1.5 million people wrote ‘Best wishes’, 2.2 million wrote ‘Good luck’ and 0.4 million wrote ‘Don’t get too drunk’.”

“We’re struggling for leads as none of the witnesses pays even the slightest attention to the many cards that cross their desks every single day.

“And unfortunately we can’t analyse the card any further because one of the forensics team left it on their desk, it got passed around and signed and then went to the lads in traffic, and God knows where it went from there.

“But we remain anxious to trace the intended recipient to give them the card and an associated brown A4 envelope containing £640,000 in loose change.”