Man watching The Traitors in underpants 'more than ready to go to war'

A MAN who spent last night watching The Traitors and drinking lager in his underpants is ready for war with Russia ‘tomorrow’, he has claimed. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 28, has responded to General Sir Patrick Sanders’s assertion there needs to be a shift in the mindset of British people to think more like troops by claiming he is up for conflict as and when, though he would need to put jeans on.

He continued: “The generals are always out of touch with the frontlines. My mindset’s on a permanent war footing.

“Obviously it’ll help if I’ve had a few cans, because an army marches on its blood alcohol level, but he’s underestimating the British public’s readiness for conflict. These two birds at Aldi on Monday almost had a scrap right there in the queue.

“Think more like troops? I’ve met squaddies. They’re just like me, except they drink more and tend to hospitalise anyone who looks at them funny in the kebab queue. Give me a week’s training and I’m there.

“Ready for the call-up? I was born ready, mate. I imagine with my experience in a chicken-gutting factory I’d be seconded to special forces, though I was fired for not turning up.

“Anyway, ready when you are General. Just checking, Russia would have to go through Poland, Czechia, Germany and France first, yeah? Get in touch when they reach EuroDisney.”

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All 26 episodes of The World at War: seven great TV shows for ruining a relationship

NO relationship can thrive without forcing your partner to watch a TV show only you’re interested in. These box-sets will have them saying ‘I think we should see other people’: 

Secret Invasion, 2023

Everyone hated this, even Marvel completists. Subjecting your loved one to 3hrs 43mins of boring, cheap telly with no logic is the perfect test of her devotion. If she’s still there, she’s a keeper, catatonic or dead. Did she even cry out in pain when Emilia Clarke got a stupid CGI arm? If not, sorry. Secret Invasion killed her.

Killing Eve, 2018-2022

Definitely female-oriented with its humorous take on spying, murder and deranged fashion. The considered critical response of most boyfriends was ‘This is shit’, and they have a point. An endless will-they-won’t-they in onesies and tulle that stretches patience, credibility and your loving bond.

The World at War, 1973-1974

A treat that never gets old from the rise of Hitler to 1945, via Stalingrad, Arnhem, and Hiroshima. Rightly considered one of the finest documentaries ever, but very long and girlfriends find chilling with a ready meal and graphic descriptions of Japanese atrocities strangely difficult. She may issue an ultimatum: her or Albert Speer. An impossible choice.

Sex and the City, 1998-2004

The first season will con boyfriends into thinking this is funny. Thereafter the characters’ narcissism gets exponentially more grating and by season four his violent hatred for Carrie, Big, Miranda, Charlotte, New York and anyone who works in publishing will be spilling over. Samantha he’ll continue to tolerate because of regular nudity.

Addicted to Carp, 2018-ongoing

A typical episode of this Fishing TV show features delights such as an ‘epic session’ at the ‘legendary Quarry fishery in Essex’. Is the door slamming your partner nipping to the corner shop for a bottle of wine to enjoy while you watch, or her starting a new life without you? You’ll check after the bait tips.

Strictly Come Dancing, 2004-ongoing

A real challenge for straight men unable to recognise either a good foxtrot or the celebrity performing it. Goes on forever and is always the same. Women also into Bake Off, Love Island and Married At First Sight may lose their partner to a girl who’s into Bravo Two Zero and Sharpe’s Rifles, if one exists.

The Simpsons, 1989-ongoing

Everyone loves The Simpsons, the fun cartoon series about an average Springfield family! But did you know you can love The Simpsons too much? Cataloging all the movie references and minor characters’ lives through all 760 episodes of the bastard? Did you ever think you could hate a man because he loves The Simpsons? You do now.