SEVERAL weeks ago, I did not attend a meeting with not the prime minister who at no point edited my report. Here is my timeline of non-events:
11am: A meeting spontaneously arose following no requests for one from either side. It simply came into being from nothing, as did the universe.
11.25am: The other party arrived at the non-meeting scratching his balls after an equally spontaneous lie-in.
11.35am: A draft of my report, which I had not yet written, was circulated for my sign-off. I noted its conclusions and resolved to work towards them while not receiving any advice to do so.
11.55am: I was not appraised of the foregone conclusions of the ongoing police investigation, nor was it suggested that I align my report with fines that the force would elect not to impose.
12.10pm: A full print-out of my pay, career progression and pension was not displayed, and no colourful threats were made as to the curtailment of my career. The editor of the Daily Mail was not put on speakerphone and explicitly did not say he would ‘f**king ruin me’.
12.15pm: The meeting concluded and, having done so, ceased to have ever happened. I resolved to write my entirely independent report without fear or favour to any involved parties, and certainly not our to-be-exonerated prime minister.
12.45pm: Did not to join an alcohol-fuelled business meeting to mark the Cabinet secretary Simon Case’s approaching departure. Did not drink a toast to ‘our heroic scapegoat.’ Shed no tears.
