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What the f**k is a kipper, asks anyone under 40

THE UK has apparently been stitched up like a herring that has been split, gutted, smoked and is now, to widespread horror, served up for breakfast. 

Media attempts to stoke outrage by likening Britain to a kipper have foundered on whole generations not knowing what a kipper is and then, on discovery, being disgusted.

Lucy Parry, aged 28, said: “Sorry? Eating a fish? Before 7am?

“You consume a whole smoked fish then go to work? With that roiling in your belly? Breathing out fish fumes to everyone on the tube? If the EU wants to stop that I’m all f**king for it.”

32-year-old James Bates added: “Also, explain to me why I should give a shit about fishermen? Farmers I get, grudgingly. But I’m hazy on the moral imperative to save blokes who go out in boats.

“As a graphic designer I’m at risk of losing my job to AI. Will the fishermen rally round to save me by blockading offshore server farms with their boats? No, I don’t f**king think they will either.”

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Why Sydney Sweeney is in fact mid, by your girlfriend

By Hannah Tomlinson, aged 34, flat-chested and brunette with glasses in the way that you claimed you liked women to be, Tom

TOM, we need to talk. Euphoria is not so complicated that you need to watch it a seventh time. Also there seem to be episodes you favour over others. You need to realise that Sydney Sweeney is, in fact, mid. 

She isn’t a good actress. I guess she’s sort of hot in a ‘male gaze’ kinda way. A basic girl for really basic guys who go to the gym and don’t care about women having opinions.

She’s the human equivalent of a Live, Laugh, Love sign. Just the constituent parts put together – blonde hair, blue eyes, oversized chest. Hot on paper only. I thought you were more discerning than that.

Guys are only into her because she’s purposely designed to be so bland that she appeals to the lowest common denominator, like Coldplay or Nando’s or Ant and Dec. No, I’m not referring to her breasts when I mention Ant and Dec. That would be odd.

She gives me mean girl vibes anyway. There’s this lack of personality, like she was designed in a lab or by an algorithm. In fact, maybe she is actually AI. You’re getting hard to a computer game, Tom. I think that’s pathetic.

Can you please pay attention? Tom, if you’re looking at the screen, that means you’re not listening. There’s nothing about her to like, only nothing to dislike. You’d get bored of tits.

Men imagine they want a woman like her, but no more than a month and they’d want  a woman with edge and intelligence who challenges them and who they can actually have a conversation with. That’s right, isn’t it Tom. Did you say yes? Good.

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