LAST Christmas, while you stayed indoors, the Downing Street spads were having it large. Here’s what you did and they did laid out in a simple timeline:
Meet your brother in a pub car park for a socially distanced present exchange. It’s cold, raining and you can’t even hug him. Joke about what a miserable Christmas it’s going to be.
3pm, Downing Street
Issue the latest Christmas-cancelling restrictions, which have been on your desk in Downing Street for a fortnight marked ‘From Chris Whitty – action immediately’ and light up a fat spliff.
Finish your evening meal and turn on the TV. Reflect that you should be out the pub with your mates but instead you’re stuck in watching Christmas repeats.
6pm, Downing Street
Finish the nightly Daylesford organic food takeaway which you signed for as ‘The Taxpayer’. Meet Gove’s coke guy at the back door. Give him £12,000 from petty cash.
Tuck the kids up. They’ve been out of school for weeks, haven’t seen any of their friends and there’s been no Christmas party. Comfort them by saying the rules are the same for everybody.
8pm, Downing Street
Snort a fat line of charlie from between the tits of the sexiest spad, the one from Williamson’s office. Answer the door to the rest of the girls in their party dresses.
Zoom call your elderly parents to explain that no, you won’t be seeing them this Christmas even though Dad’s just had his operation. They’re shielding so you might not see them for months. Hide your tears.
10pm, Downing Street
The MDMA kicks in as the game of naked Twister begins, and guess who’s coming down the stairs? It’s amazing how Johnson knows the second the clothes are off. ‘Santa’s coming, ladies!’ he shouts.
Go to bed. Stare at the ceiling mourning your favourite time of year. Your wife says she understands but it’s for the public good.
Memories from this point are fragmentary. Chasing nude through the Cabinet room, discovering Disraeli’s private wine cellar and chugging an 1870 Chateau Lafite Rothschild in one. Still you bloody need to de-stress from work. Really it’s for the public good.