Where will your Tory MP be hiding from the Boris vote this evening?

YOUR MP, terrified of both an electorate that hates Boris Johnson and the newspapers that love him, will be hiding from a vote today. But where? 

Rishi Sunak, member for Richmond (Yorks)

The prime minister will be avoiding the cameras on the south coast, wearing a suit and attempting to stop the boats. Like his global A-list celebrity peers, Sunak knows photographers can’t sell pictures exactly the same as yesterday, the week before and all bloody year. To this end he will be wearing those f**king boots again.

Bim Afolami, member for Hitchin and Harpenden

Blessed with obscurity already, Bim will spend today concealed in the Commons where even the whips aren’t sure if he’s an MP or a spad and it’’s too late to ask now. This is also how Bim plans to spend the next year and a half until the general election.

Nadine Dorries, member for Mid Bedfordshire

Schrödinger’s MP plans to sidestep questions about whether she can vote and what happened to all the Boris diehards and why she thinks she deserves a peerage by hiding in the last place anyone would think to look: a live show on Talk TV.

Antony Higginbotham, member for Burnley

Red Wall MP Antony will be hiding by travelling to a safe Conservative seat in Surrey where, as a Northerner, nobody will suspect him for a moment of being a Tory. He will also soak up the atmosphere of a safe Tory seat, so unlike cocking Burnley.

Andrea Leadsom, member for South Northamptonshire

The backbencher, who enjoyed brief notoriety in 2016 after being exposed as a lunatic, will continue to employ her natural defence mechanism of appearing toxic, repulsive and liable to nip children. If you hear her hissing, quicken your step.

Keir Starmer, member for Holborn and St Pancreas

The privately-educated Surrey-raised knight of the realm will be hiding in plain sight, in the House of Commons, voting for Boris Johnson’s censure as any decent Conservative who has not joined a death cult should. A thin veneer of red will barely obscure the blue beneath.

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Tory lockdown party still going

FOOTAGE released from the Conservative lockdown 2020 Christmas party was taken from an ongoing livestream, the government has confirmed. 

The festive video which appeared over the weekend is of an event still in full swing two-and-a-half years later, and nobody there has Covid so there is no call to use it to score cheap political points.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “It was a necessary work event which has now spilled over into its 912th day, and we have already apologised.

“It’s Conservative HQ. There’s a modest platter and the Pogues blasting out of a tiny karaoke machine. If you were there you’d never want it to stop, especially as the attendees still believe it’s lockdown outside. We’ve tried to tell them but they’re wrecked.

“They’re only ‘bending the rules’ in that these serious, dedicated revellers are pushing fun to its absolute limits. They are actually partying for those lost to Covid, in tribute.

“This won’t offend the electorate at all. They’ve been living under Tory rule for 13 years. They’re well aware it’s one long party.”