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Who could be the next unelected and hugely unpopular Tory leader?

A NEW unelected and wildly unpopular Conservative could soon be leading the country without the country’s consent, but who? We rank the runners and riders:

Sunak-Mordaunt

A desperate alliance of two rejects, the first who Tory members hated and the second who Tory MPs hated, neither of whom have any affection for each other or agree on how the country should be governed. With this eleventh-hour Judges Houses’ fusion of wretched failures, what could go f**king wrong?

Odds: 7-2

Badenoch-Braverman

In steely-eyed determination to prove the Tories aren’t racist, even though they are and that’s not the question being asked right now, the ethnic minority extreme-right dream team rises to power in a manner reminiscent of certain documentaries on specialist history channels and proceed to go outright apeshit crazy. Few will survive.

Odds: 12-1

Johnson-Gove

Back by dope demand, the bad boys of Brexit return to the stage to learn that just because we didn’t want those other twats doesn’t mean we want them. Back on the bus, back on tour, backed off Beachy Head by a driver who is posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross by a grateful nation.

Odds: 30-1

Starmer-Reeves

Red Wall Tories jump ship and cross the floor to Labour in record numbers, making Keir Starmer prime minister against his will. Immediately calls general election to give himself a proper mandate but taint of Tory government sees a landslide loss to an alliance of the Lib Dems, SNP and Greens. Is heard to remark ‘f**k my f**king luck’.

Odds: 300-1

Rees-Mogg-Pitt the Younger

Jacob breaks out the family time machine, brings Britain’s longest-serving prime minister to the future, cures his syphilis and runs on a ‘bring back the good old days of the Napoleonic Wars’ ticket. Boomers and hipsters vote for them in record numbers. Government runs for four terms.
Odds: Evens

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Phones, TV, underwear: items you own that prove you can’t be poor

THINK you’re poor? Not if you own a smartphone. Here I, Telegraph reader Roy Hobbs, explain how you can’t be struggling if you own these things:

Smartphone

If you can afford a smartphone, you aren’t needy and that’s all there is to it. I don’t care if you only managed to get it because it’s on a contract you can barely pay every month, and I don’t believe that you can’t make a benefits claim without one. Haven’t they got pens and paper down the dole office? It’s not like internet access is vital to modern life, after all.

A cheap foreign holiday

Are you really trying to tell me that it’s cheaper to go on an all-inclusive package deal to Benidorm than it is to hire a holiday home in Cornwall? Don’t be so bloody stupid, I wasn’t born yesterday. If you claim not to have much money you certainly shouldn’t be gallivanting around abroad, however much joy it will bring your kids.

Avocados

Or any type of food that I consider a luxury, and especially if it’s organic. No, I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford many pleasures in life anymore, and eating healthily is important to you. If you can afford to buy something as lah-di-dah as one avocado then you’ve got no right whining about tax breaks for the wealthy.

Flat screen TV

Anyone who owns a flatscreen television is living in the lap of luxury, if you ask me, despite the fact that it’s impossible to buy anything else nowadays and actually you can get one for about £100. Unfortunately, my prejudice about them got stuck in 2003, so I’ll keep repeating the same lazy bollocks even when we’re watching Eastenders on a hologram.

Underpants

In my day we wore our drawers until they had holes in them, and then we’d turn them inside out and wear them again, which I still do now. If you swank around buying a pack of five boxer shorts from Tesco, you’ve a nicer life than I ever had. Yeah, I could easily afford them on my final salary pension, but I enjoy being a miserly old bastard.

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