A NEW unelected and wildly unpopular Conservative could soon be leading the country without the country’s consent, but who? We rank the runners and riders:
A desperate alliance of two rejects, the first who Tory members hated and the second who Tory MPs hated, neither of whom have any affection for each other or agree on how the country should be governed. With this eleventh-hour Judges Houses’ fusion of wretched failures, what could go f**king wrong?
In steely-eyed determination to prove the Tories aren’t racist, even though they are and that’s not the question being asked right now, the ethnic minority extreme-right dream team rises to power in a manner reminiscent of certain documentaries on specialist history channels and proceed to go outright apeshit crazy. Few will survive.
Back by dope demand, the bad boys of Brexit return to the stage to learn that just because we didn’t want those other twats doesn’t mean we want them. Back on the bus, back on tour, backed off Beachy Head by a driver who is posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross by a grateful nation.
Red Wall Tories jump ship and cross the floor to Labour in record numbers, making Keir Starmer prime minister against his will. Immediately calls general election to give himself a proper mandate but taint of Tory government sees a landslide loss to an alliance of the Lib Dems, SNP and Greens. Is heard to remark ‘f**k my f**king luck’.
Rees-Mogg-Pitt the Younger
Jacob breaks out the family time machine, brings Britain’s longest-serving prime minister to the future, cures his syphilis and runs on a ‘bring back the good old days of the Napoleonic Wars’ ticket. Boomers and hipsters vote for them in record numbers. Government runs for four terms.