Who needs opposition? The SNP show how to f**k it up all on your own

WHO needs a functioning opposition to f**k up a decade in government? Not the SNP! They’ve proved you can do it effectively and stylishly all on your own. 

Yes, despite governing since 2007, benefiting from two popular leaders and winning the referendum they always wanted, the Scottish National Party are on the verge of total collapse without any help from anyone.

Humza Yousaf, the party’s most recent leader, said: “Opposition? Up here?

“The Tories only win in areas so deluded they think they’re English, the Labour vote’s negligible, we’ve basically got the whole country locked down, and look at us. Ruined. What an achievement.

“I, for example, have been in for over a year and what have I done? Nothing except blow up a coalition. Brought down by pissing off the Green party. Beat that.

“My predecessors? Well, the most recent one was ever so popular but now her husband’s charged with embezzlement of SNP funds, and the one before her was brought down by sexual assault allegations. Which he tried to use against everyone else. Didn’t go well.

“So here we stand, nobody challenging us, no idea who’s going to make up the government for the next two years, flat out f**ked, and we’ve done it entirely unaided. Go us.”

Sir Keir Starmer, leader of the Labour party, said: “Opposition’s overrated. There’s a lot to be said for just standing there.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man confident if he apologises enough he'll stop being white

A WHITE man is so committed to saying sorry for all the crimes of his kind that he effectively is not a white man, he believes. 

Jack Browne, aged 28, is so eager to make amends to anyone harmed by those of Western European extraction that his every conversation with an ethnic minority is a session of self-flagellation, which he is sure they love.

He said: “Whenever I meet anyone black, Asian or indigenous I open with ‘I’m sorry for colonialism, for Hitler and most of all for Jim Davidson.’

“I think they really appreciate me addressing the elephant in the room. It’s difficult for them seeing a white person, because it triggers racial trauma about what my ancestors did to theirs. Well not my ancestors because they’re Irish, but other white people’s ancestors.

“After about 20 minutes of apologies I see a light dawning in their eyes. ‘This white guy,’ they’re thinking, ‘isn’t like the others. He gets it. He doesn’t count as white and I would happily go to a Jay-Z gig with him.’ Cutting me off mid-flow is their way of absolving me.

“I even say sorry to Welsh people, though in their case I haven’t really done the groundwork so I’m not sure what for. It’s just my way of showing I’m better.”

Colleague Charlotte Phelps, who is black, said: “Jack is hard f**king work. At least the racists have the good sense to shut up about it.”