Whose fault everything is because it's not ours: a government guide

OUR once-functioning country is in a terrible mess, none of which is our fault. Instead, direct blame to these enemies of democracy: 

Train strikes = Labour

The Labour party has been synonymous with strikes since the 1970s, which they’re now taking us back to despite not even being in power. They are the puppetmasters of the rail unions while dancing on union strings. Keir Starmer ordered these strikes. They’re nothing to do with inflation.

Inflation = Putin

Bloody Putin and his wars, causing inflation by pushing up gas prices and food prices and sparking labour shortages. That last one’s definitely him, not anything else. Damn you, Putin! You won’t beat Britain! Our brave electorate will put up with a two-year recession and still defiantly vote Conservative!

Burglaries = Wokery

Half the country hasn’t had a single burglary investigated in three years. Why? Because the police are too busy investigating false ‘crimes’ like a short man being discriminated against by a high counter at a sandwich shop. It’s political correctness gone mad, and it’s selling your PS5 on eBay.

Northern Ireland = the EU

Why didn’t the short-sighted EU foresee the problems with the Irish sea border when they signed the Brexit deal? Why didn’t the DUP, who were in government at the time, say anything? But no, they went blithely ahead like ‘getting Brexit done’ was more important than the details and left us to sort out the mess.

Brexit = Remainers

Absolutely no way did Brexit have any inconveniences or economic downsides attached until the Remainer elite conjured them into existence by thinking about them. Every airport queue, massive rise in immigration and forecast for zero growth is their fault. They did this to you.

Partygate = the BBC

Remember the togetherness we felt as a nation during that first lockdown? Remember how proud you felt? Then the BBC, in its guise as the Daily Mirror, revealed that Downing Street had been partying throughout and now you feel sick, cheated and betrayed. All because the BBC couldn’t keep its f**king mouth shut.

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The Millennium bug, and other bollocks we thought would end the world

THE world ending means not having to pay off your mortgage, so people are dead keen on it. But these civilisation-culminating events did f**k-all: 

December 21st, 2012

500 years ago, some Mayan lad got bored writing his calendar and stopped it on 21 December 21st, 2012. And because we all follow Mayan dating systems avidly we agreed that the world would probably pack it in then. Until the day came and went without a single apocalypse and we realised the Mayans didn’t know shit.

The Millennium bug

On December 31st 1999, Britain congratulated itself on staying in getting pissed rather than paying £100 for a nightclub and £200 for a taxi while convinced that all computers would believe it was 1900 at midnight. Planes and Nintento 64s alike would think ‘shit, I haven’t been invented yet and burst spontaneously into flames. Until they didn’t.

The 2011 Rapture

Why believe scientists making accurate predictions about the end of the world when you could believe US radio evangelists? Harold Camping told the world to expect Jesus in 2011: once in May, once in October. What we actually got was Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. 

Large Hadron Collider

Your dad discovered particle physics when he accidentally watched a Brian Cox documentary after losing the remote in 2007. Due to this and a Dan Brown book, he became convinced scientists in Switzerland would create a black hole when they switched on the Large Hadron Collider. He may still believe this happened.

Planet X

Niche, hipster end-of-world prediction from your uncle who’s made friends with lunatic strangers on Facebook. An alien planet is going to appear from nowhere and crash into the earth. His sources? A woman on an online forum in the mid-90s who telepathically communicated with aliens. Legit.