THE world order trembles on the edge of collapse. Only principled politicians attending whiskey launches by convicted criminals at Scunthorpe FC can save it.
When I was deposed from my rightful office on October 20th, 2022, not that I’m counting the days, and the country lost its greatest prime minister since Disraeli, I found a new mission. Stopping the Blob, ending wokeness, and ultimately saving the West.
It’s a big job. Can I do it? Yes. Can I do it so well I ultimately reverse time, go back to the mini-budget and explain it properly so the markets don’t melt down? I believe so.
Have I found important allies in this fight? Yes. President Trump, obviously. We don’t meet, but we communicate all the time on the astral plane. Cryptocurrency experts. Far-right Hungarian leader Viktor Orban. All of Israel.
Perhaps it seems that Dougie Joyce, a bare-knuckle fighter who beat up a 78-year-old in a pub then got in a subsequent fight at a wake, is another strange bedfellow. Or perhaps he is exactly what true conservatism needs.
For in the fight to get our country back, will we not need footsoldiers? Will those footsoldiers not need to be tanked up on whiskey? Will they not meet as a mob somewhere akin to Glanford Park, home of The Iron?
When I swigged that whiskey from the bottle as a crowd chanted ‘Truss! Truss! Truss!’ as all crowds should, I had a vision. Of once again being MP for South West Norfolk. Of being returned to cabinet. Of swaggering back into Downing Street, cage-fighter by my side.
It is the way forward. I urge everyone in Britain to move to Scunthorpe, acquire a criminal record for violence and get wrecked on whiskey. Because that’s the country I’d like to see.
