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'Will Boris Johnson survive this?' ask naive dickheads

NAIVE dickheads are speculating whether Boris Johnson, who won an 80-seat majority on lies and illegal shit, can survive a few corrupt mates. 

Both inside Westminster and out, anyone who has failed to pay attention to the post-2016 post-truth era is acting like any of this shit matters even in the slightest.

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “Some blinkered twat seriously just said ‘If Boris is losing the support of his own MPs, his days are numbered.’

“Yeah, like when a load of his own MPs voted against him in 2019 and he had them all fired? Including his own brother? Really f**ked him at the ballot box, didn’t it?

“The pattern is simple: if one of his mates gets accused of something, he’ll pretend they didn’t do it. If that becomes too much trouble he’ll U-turn entirely and kick them out. Because he doesn’t give a shit.

“Nor does the public, it seems. Proroguing parliament, missing Brexit deadlines, affairs and abandoned wives and lying to the House? None of that matters anymore.

“So of course he can survive. He can survive anything. He’s the cockroach of politics. You’ll save yourself a lot of stress if you stop pretending otherwise.”

The pints cost £2.90 and other upsides to living in a shit town

LIVE in one of the worst places in the country and people regularly take the piss? Here are five reasons it’s good to live somewhere shit:

Pints cost £2.90

Big city-dwellers may have good transport links and access to world-class culture, but the trade-off is £9 pints purchased in wanky bars. You can have a decent night out in at a back street pub in Inverness for that, with change for the quiz machine to spare.

Houses are cheap

Wages may be lower outside of the big cities, but the upside is that houses are going for peanuts. For the price of a central London bedsit where your bed is next to the toilet as if you were in prison you could buy a f**k-off mansion in Grimsby.

Expectations are low

Growing up in Hampstead you’ve got to either become a playwright or a tech entrepreneur. But in a shit town, you can train to be a plumber or electrician without being looked down on by pretentious twats. And you’ll probably end up making more money than Tabitha who did a degree in arts management that she’ll never use.

You appreciate the simple things

If you’re from somewhere fancy like Bath you’ve got all the shops and restaurants you could want already. However, people living in a shit town don’t have much choice when it comes to retail therapy and eating out so a branch of Wilkinsons and a new Bella Italia will excite you for years.

Even the smallest trip is like an exotic holiday

When you live somewhere shit, anywhere you visit seems interesting and glamorous. But what’s even better is that after you’ve appreciated their twatty culture and spent a fortune on beer, you can go home and tell everyone what a bunch of pretentious bellends live in other places.