You don't need to secretly record me to hear me saying stupid shit, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has assured the public that he says ill-thought-out, inflammatory nonsense quite openly, so there is no need to secretly record him.

After the pro-Brexit foreign secretary was taped warning of a Brexit ‘meltdown’ at a private dinner, he took the opportunity to remind Britain he says far more idiotic things in his official public statements.

Johnson said: “Remember when I said that we’d get a good deal because of prosecco? I said that to the Italian government. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

“Or when I recited that racist poem in a Buddhist temple? Or told Libya it’d be a lovely place for a holiday once they cleared the corpses away?

“Next week I’ve got a ridiculous speech where I blithely toss off plans to put all EU citizens in internment camps and demand ransoms for their return. It’s just what I do.

“I’m not just a blithering tosser in private. It’s 24-7, 365 days a year.”

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Couple in late 30s weirdly not bothered about parents paying for everything

A COUPLE who are supposedly proper adults do not seem troubled by being given loads of money by their parents, friends have noticed.

Despite already getting massive financial help buying a flat and a car, Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis pathetically now expect their parents to chip in towards everything from holidays to their weekly shop.

Hollis said: “The cost of living is so high these days it’s entirely reasonable that our parents contribute towards those lovely shoes that caught my eye last week and Tom’s large collection of Playstation games.

“Yes, Tom and I both have jobs, but it’s not like the olden days when I could be a housewife and Tom could do an ordinary job like working in a factory and we could still buy a house and have loads of money.

“Don’t most parents pay for their children’s scuba diving holiday in Florida? If you can’t afford kids you shouldn’t have them in the first place.”

Friend Emma Bradford said: “You’d think by the age of 37 Tom and Nikki might have some concept of ‘standing on your own feet’, but no. Last week their parents paid for their new duvet, for fuck’s sake.”

Hollis’ father George said: “We just try to help Nikki and Tom whenever we can. It’s not like we need expensive holidays or food that isn’t just dry toast.”