TO win an election, Labour leader Keir Starmer must get the support of these key demographics:
Your uncle who hates litter
There’s Brexit, there’s climate change, there’s rocketing inflation and then there’s your retired uncle who firmly believes that the most pressing problem of our age is empty takeaway cartons on the verges of dual carriageways. To get him on side, Starmer needs to push a three-strikes-and-out policy with life sentences.
Your cousin who believes in aliens
Your lovely but batshit cousin Nikki believes in crop circles and ghosts and votes Tory because she thinks they have better contacts within the Illuminati, giving them a better chance of beating the greys when they invade. Keir must prove he’s got a clear strategy for their inevitable attack to win the Rother Valley swing seat.
Your student neighbours who smoke weed
Too young to have voted Corbyn, your neighbours plan to give his ballot to whichever party will enable him to party hardest. Starmer could get their support by simply alluding to legalising cannabis sometime in the next forty years. On the other hand, Boris is funny.
Your Brexit-voting taxi driver who has a flat in Spain
The Tories have really shot themselves in the foot by delivering Brexit to the people who voted for it. A fail-safe Labour play is to reverse Brexit while insisting it’s still Brexit, thus pleasing your ranting driver who can now only spend three months at a time in Malaga.
Your hardcore Tory-voting hairdresser who says she will never ever not vote Tory
To get the full sweep, Sir Keir must win over that most critical part of the electorate: Tories who say they will never vote anything but Tory, even if Boris shot their favourite dog dead. The solution? Change Labour’s name to the Conservative Labour, confusing enough die-hard Tories to get them across the line. Or call for a whites-only UK.