Crystal sex toys and fanny-based mantras: how to elevate your vag to a higher plane

IS your penis living in the present moment? Is your pussy on the path to spiritual enlightenment? Have your nipples achieved nirvana? 

Tantric sex experts tell us there are six chakras of pleasure, though focusing on the groinal ones can’t hurt. Recognising the spiritual needs of your fanny could pay orgasmic dividends, so recalibrate your hot harmony levels:

Crystal toys

Why wedge silky silicone up there when you could be getting off to the cold, unforgiving touch of an unethically quarried semi-precious gem? And if you’re going to stuff an egg up your arse, it might as well be rose quartz to promote compassion and tenderness in the heart of the medical professional removing it.


Not the boring kind you do to stay alive. The mindful, grunty and uneven breathing you do if you’re thinking about it. As you rigidly huff in and out, imagine sexual energy shooting up from your testicles or womb area towards your third eye. Now try to imagine having the patience and concentration to do this during sex.


The key to a good relationship? Communication. So if you really want to establish a spiritual connection with your junk, chat like it’s an orchid and you’re King Charles. And lie to yourself: ‘I am a sexual animal… I have regular, top-notch orgasms that satisfy my body and mind… not just when wanking…’


If ASMR can give you a tingly sensation when it comes at you through your ears, imagine the relaxation levels if you wedge your earbuds into your loins. The sound of a moron tapping their overly-long fingernails on a paper cup whispering ‘relaxxxxxx’ really grounds your penis.


If your aura is all clogged up with acts of passive aggression and unfulfilled dreams, most of them will stem from your crotch. Years of rejection and unstinting abuse are a lot for a cock to handle, let alone to cleanse from its energy field. Play a Reiki YouTube at it then have a wank, see if it’s worked.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Your nan can talk the hind leg off a donkey so, as penance, has named a donkey sanctuary as main beneficiary in her will.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Watch a history documentary series out of order to give the Vietnam War a trippy, Tarantinoesque vibe.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

I just get up and go wherever the wind, and the rail replacement bus, takes me.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You’re shaken to discover that Stella McCartney is a nepo baby. Who next? Surely not Sean Lennon?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

The Essex accent is consistently voted one of the sexiest accents, because if you hear it you know you’re be getting laid very shortly.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Dragon’s Den hated your ‘pasta for cats’ idea. You stood there sweating, spouting off carb-based variations like ‘bread for cats’ and ‘potatoes for cats’. Ultimately security had to escort you off the premises.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You’ve started a five-a-side team with your step-brothers called ‘You’re not my Real Sociedad’.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Anyone here know Martin Scorsese? Because he needs to know that boobs are up there with the worst surfaces for snorting coke off.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Adulthood involves opening a lot fewer time capsules than you were led to believe it would.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

“I’d now like to read a prepared statement. But I don’t have one.”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Bet I can guess your PIN number. Has a nine in it, doesn’t it? Got you on the ropes now, you fucker.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

When staying in an unfamiliar hotel room, always check the kettle in case someone’s hiding in it.