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Do you want anything from Tesco? By Lizzo

HEY y’all, it’s your girl Lizzo. Music icon. Boss bitch. Plus-size goddess. Frequent patron of Tesco on Clifford Bridge Road in Coventry. So let me ask you this – d’you need anything picking up? 

Every Little Helps for Lizzo. My love affair with Tesco started when I first toured the UK a few years back. Back then I’d pick up a meal deal on the daily. BLT, McCoy’s Beef Crisps and a Lilt. All the while stacking up some serious Clubcard points, you get me?

I used to f**k with Lidl but then I got stung by the middle aisle. Ended up leaving with a garden gnome, some Allen keys and a six-man tent. I only went in for some milk.

But now the game has changed, I tend to enter Tes-kizzle with an entourage of around 50 people. Security, management, hangers-on, backing dancers, just the usual to pick up a Warburtons Toastie White. I insist that the CCTV is off so I can shop for my breaded ham slices and Party Rings with privacy.

What I’m saying is, I’m a pretty big deal up in Tesco, so if you need anything for your tea, just slide into my DMs with a shopping list and you can Venmo me the money after. Nothing is too much trouble for Lizzo when it comes to her fans.

I’ve requested blueprints of every store in the UK so when I roll up in my blacked-out tour bus the whole thing runs like a military campaign. Instead of hitting up fruit and veg first like a basic bitch, I do the entire shop anticlockwise. Frozen food first, then household cleaning, those little baggies for picking up dog turds, then rice. Followed by crisps. Biscuits. Fresh bread then eggs. Finally, if there’s time: salad.

Then I throw my Louis Vuitton shades on and head to till number 7 where my girl Norma is usually scanning like a muthaf**ka. I drop several Gs on the big shop. Leave Norma a fat tip. Go do my EuroMillions Lucky Dips, grab a flat white from the in-store Costa Coffee machine, then bounce. Wembley Arena ain’t gonna play itself.

So if any of you guys want in on that sweet deal, hit me up. You know where to find me. It’s two for £3.50 on selected cooked meats right now. Don’t miss out.

Peace,

Lizzo xXxXx

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Will you get laid before the election? A quiz

BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first? 

How are you looking? 

A) A solid seven out of ten. Maybe an eight if I shave and put on a ironed Ben Sherman shirt. Which I never do because I’m above average and prey on the desperate.
B) Not great. The teeth are an issue. I haven’t been able to afford new clothes since before the pandemic. And my impetigo’s bad. Though I am taller than Rishi Sunak.

What’s your relationship status?

A) Happily married, with an occasional girlfriend, a side piece in the office, and a thriving Tinder account on a burner phone.
B) Terminally single, but that does mean I’m extremely eligible. And the economy’s turning a corner so I should have enough cash for a meal for two at Nando’s by June.

How often do you put yourself out there?

A) Every time I leave the house and every time I enter it. You’ve got to make sure the odds are in your favour.
B) For some reason I keep putting it off. It never seems the right time. Just when I’m building confidence I do something like losing my only pair of trousers to a train door.

How do you set a sexy mood?

A) I treat my wife, or whoever, to a fancy candlelit meal, tell her how much I care about her, reminisce about good times we’ve shared and do everything but flop my dick onto a plate.
B) I try frantically to ignore everything that’s going wrong, like being greeted by the lads from Warhammer club, my card being declined, my nervous flatulence and her telling me she would never, ever have sex with me and just bulldoze through.

How hard are you trying to have sex?

A) A little too hard. At all times. I can’t talk to a woman without my dick rearing its purple head metaphorically and too often, literally.
B) I’ve long since given up and resigned myself to my fate. Or I tell myself I have. But I can’t extinguish that tiny little spark of hope.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Whether the election’s in late May, early October or dragged out to the bitter end of January next year, it doesn’t matter to you. You’re getting laid more often than Rishi Sunak’s receiving unwelcome news about the polls.

Mostly Bs: The prime minister could announce a state of emergency, arrest all opposition politicians, cancel elections and run a dictatorship until 2035. You still wouldn’t end your dry spell first.

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