WANT to appreciate your bed? Push yourself into a sexual experience in a public location and thrill to the fear of being charged with indecent exposure.
Everyone loves to remember that time they were so horny they did it in a back alley by the bins. Memory filters out the stink and turns murmurs into imprecations of love, not ‘If my arse gets put on Reddit by a teenager with an iPhone you’re fucking dead.’
Your slightly damp bedroom will become a palace of pleasure after uncomfortably boning in these locations:
In a car
Are you a horny teenager with nowhere else to go? Because if you do have anywhere else to go: go there. You’ll soon stop feeling young and carefree when you cry out not in ecstasy but because the seatbelt socket’s embedded in your knee.
It turns out cars aren’t big and you’re not flexible. Expect less ‘handprint dragging down a steamed window’ and more accidentally setting off the rear windscreen wiper. Plus your 10-year-old Volvo S40’s suspension doesn’t need more challenges.
On a plane
The Mile High Club? Is the height the challenge, or shagging in the tiniest toilet in the world? Have a high gag threshold not for deep-throat oral, but because the corpulent bastard who immediately preceded you fouled it on an elephantine scale.
Enjoy trying to achieve penetration in a space smaller than an Ikea wardrobe in full knowledge there’s an air steward eight inches away heating piri-piri chicken who thinks you’re tragically het and wishes you’d waited until Venice.
In the bath
What could be more romantic than scented candles, soft music and sex amid the suds? Wedging yourself into a cooling and overflowing tub, your boyfriend in the tepid water while your teeth chatter sexily above, discovering the hard way that soapy water is very much not lube? You’d rather shag in the shower.
In the shower
Until you try to shag in the shower, and that’s not great either, is it? The angle’s never right, glass screens aren’t up to supporting two thrusting humans and whoever’s not in the spray is freezing. And water? Still not lube. You’re coming out of this with thrush.
On the beach
Like the cocktail, sex on the beach is overrated and a young woman’s game. Two choices: sand or pebbles, both of which will fuck you far more royally than your husband can manage. If it’s not chafing sand in the fanny it’s stone grinding against your back. Either of which puts further off climaxing than the scent of sun-baked dog piss next to your head.
On a windswept moor
A grand, romance-novel fantasy, reliving the great romance of Cathy and Heathcliff from the Kate Bush song Wuthering Heights. You’ve not read the book version. But what’s under your arse as you recline with Brontean abandon at this desolate spot? Heather? Bracken? Some other kind of scratchy bastard?
And the wildness not only freezes your exposed tits off, but carries off personal belongings. If you’ve been embarrassed walking past hikers in all their North Face shit when you’re in trainers, imagine doing it in a crop top chasing your knickers. Right, you’ve done that. From now on fuck at home.
