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Greengrass from Heartbeat and other iconic roles I'd love to play, by The Rock

By Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, serious actor, not like Vin Diesel

FOR too long the Hollywood box office has pigeon-holed my acting abilities. Post-Smashing Machine I’ll be taken seriously, and I’ll be able to put my own stamp on these iconic TV roles: 

Grant Mitchell from EastEnders

Grant may have left Albert Square years ago, but I’m keen to reboot the character should movie directors ever get sick of throwing millions of dollars at me. I’ve even written my own story ideas, including a plot where Beale’s Plaice has been nuked by the Russians and it’s up to me and Phil to take out an aging Putin. It’ll all culminate in a Christmas special where I suplex him through the bar in the Queen Vic. 30 million viewers guaranteed.

Greengrass from Heartbeat

If they ever bring back Heartbeat, I’d love to read for the role of Claude Greengrass – the loveable rogue and constant irritation of Nick Berry and the Aidensfield police. When I was breaking into Hollywood, his dastardly schemes helped to shape my cartoonishly evil persona. Failing that, I’d take a part in any ITV drama like Peak Practice, Doc Martin, Midsomer Murders or, at a push, Endeavour. The repeat fees must be insane.

Alexsandr the Meerkat

I’ve played my fair share of animated roles, most famously Maui in Moana. But taking on the Russian car insurance mascot is the dream of any celebrity doing actual voice actors out of work. It’s our Hamlet. Maybe the adverts could tie in to the rest of my cinematic universe. Who wouldn’t want to watch Alexsandr team up with Lucas Hobbs to defeat the Scorpion King?

Huw Edwards

If you’ve seen my work you know that my acting is all about subtlety. Forget my muscles, my biggest strength is finding the understated nuances of any role. Anyone could do a passable Charlie Stait or Clive Myrie, but Huw Edwards requires a certain deftness. When Netflix inevitably greenlights a series about his news presenting and sordid ways, I’ll be ready to delicately bring to life this complicated, multi-faceted character.

One of the Eggheads

I was a supreme professional athlete, not a nerd, but maybe that’s why I’m attracted to inhabiting the role of a brainiac on Channel 5’s premier quiz show. It’s the perfect vehicle to push my skills as an actor. Of course I’d have to transform my body to prepare for the role. That’s why my personal trainer is already helping me to get the physique of a retired train driver by force-feeding me real ale and shepherd’s pies.

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Wayne Rooney, and five other people it wouldn't surprise you to learn were pissed throughout

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time:

Theresa May, prime minister from 2016-2019

A baffling chapter in our nation’s recent history would snap into sense if May was discovered to be throwing back sauce. The multiple Brexit votes on an unchanged bill were because of blackouts, the failure to meet any deadline because time ceases to be real on the Glenfiddich, that conference speech. After all, we spent those years pissed.

The Rosetta team who landed a craft on a comet, 2014

Drunks are capable of astonishing physical feats unavailable to the sober, like throwing a bike tyre up so it lands around a lamppost, then losing interest and wandering off. After getting Rosetta in orbit around a comet and sending a lander down, it hit some rocks and the intoxicated team decided ‘ah well, didn’t work out’ and put a film on.

Wayne Rooney, Manchester United striker, 2004-2017

United’s record goalscorer alternated football and binge-drinking, proving once and for all that alcohol is no barrier to achievement and we should all drink on weekday mornings. Did nothing with England, proving even alcohol has limits.

Doctor Who, Time Lord, 1963-2025

Deep into a serious session, you’re continually surprised by what’s behind doors. You constantly lose and then re-find companions. Caught up in urgent adventures you barely comprehend, all the backgrounds seem interchangeable. This has been the Doctor’s life for millennia. ‘You can get an Uber from here,’ he slurs, dropping an air hostess off in the Ice Age.

Peter Higgs, theoretical physicist, 1929-2024

“Right, you know everything, right? Made up of these tiny particles, really minuscule bastards. But you know even them? Made up of this other shit we can’t even see but can sort of infer from behaviour and bollocks? Yeah well I know how they do it. And they’re going to name a field after me, and a, and a f**king BOSUN. Another pint?”

The audiences of Shakespeare comedies, 1592-ongoing

Back in the Bard’s time, water was dangerously full of disease. It was far safer for everyone, even children, to drink small beer which might be weak but was still beer. Hence reeling hammered into the Globe and finding As You Like It piss-funny. Today’s middle-classes follow much the same pattern except their children are on iPads.

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