Has anyone got any idea where I left my car? with Austin Butler

22nd February 2023

BAFTA-winning actor Austin Butler, who starred as Elvis in last year’s blockbuster movie, is one of Hollywood’s hottest talents and is unable to find his car.

Hey, I love visiting the UK. It’s honestly one of my favourite places to be. London’s so vibrant and I want to tread the boards on the West End someday. But for now, does anyone know where the fuck my car is?

Because I was running late when I came to the Baftas – and note I bothered to turn up, unlike plenty of actors – and goddamned if I know where I left the cocksucker.

I wanted to experience your great country for myself, rather than just seeing it from a limo window. So I picked up a Ford Focus at Heathrow, headed to Brighton for fish ’n’ chips by the seashore, and then joined the A23.

We were kind of a convoy heading up there, Colin Farrell in his Hyundai Tuscon and Cate Blanchett in a nippy VW Golf, but then I admit I sorta lost them in central London and suddenly there’s nowhere to park.

Bill Nighy, who’s a real great guy, told me there was a dusty piece of waste ground run by a menacing Albanian dude with a Doberman down the road where I could park overnight for £20, so I was headed there when I saw a real beaut of a spot down a side street.

I pulled up, locked up and hauled ass to the event. Made it in time even though I’d sweated through my custom Alexander McQueen tuxedo, and won Best Actor. Thanks a bunch for that.

Stayed for drinks, Florence Pugh telling me all about the Nissan Cube she’d left in a buddy’s parking space in Battersea, and Martin McDonagh waxing lyrical about his Kia Sportage, and well, I guess I just clean forgot where I left my motherfucking vehicle.

Winning was a real career highlight, but the ceremony was last Sunday and I’ve been wandering aimlessly through south London ever since. The rental charges are stacking up and I can’t even remember if it was moondust silver or desert island blue.

At this stage I might miss The Oscars. So if any of you good people know where my car is, I’d really appreciate it. Please reach out to my agent James at William Morris Endeavour. God bless y’all.

Mash Blind Date: a woman who's only after casual sex and a man who is too but thinks she shouldn't be

21st February 2023

JORA, aged 26, is looking for no-strings casual one-night sex. So is Tom, aged 28, who firmly believes that’s not what women should want. Will they hook up?

Jora on Tom

First impression?

Clean, attractive, sending out some pretty sexy vibes. Dressed to get naked. I’m down.

How was conversation?

I explained I’m not really out for a relationship, that we’ll see where this leads, that we should focus on the now and not weigh it down with the future. Normally that goes down pretty well. He seemed piqued.

Memorable moments?

When I took his hands and gave him heavy eye contact, leaning over to show cleavage, and he removed my hands and asked the waitress for an ice water.

Favourite thing about Tom?

He’s hot. And up for it, or seemed to be until my anecdote about doing a guy on the roof of the O2.

A capsule description?

Attractive man takes umbrage for unknown reasons and turns into Victorian dad. Seriously, he used the phrase ‘a run on your stock on the sexual marketplace’.

Was there a spark?

A whole shower of sparks until a whole bucket of fire retardant was upended onto it.

What happened afterwards?

He escorted me to the taxi rank and said he wished he could heal my wounds. I suggested he just come back to mine instead, but he just looked down and shook his head slowly, disbelievingly.

What would you change about the evening?

I would have had sex.

Will you see each other again?

What would be the fucking point? He’d probably insist I bring a chaperone.

Tom on Jora

First impression?

Absolutely gorgeous, and dressed to show it. This girl is getting it tonight. She’ll be putty in my player’s hands.

How was conversation?

Great. She was responding to all my non-verbal signalling and letting the chat drift into dangerous areas. The trick to seduction is to slip it through before they’ve realised it’s happening, and to acknowledge with a mock-rueful smile when it’s already too late.

Memorable moments?

But what I do not like is this whole ‘not down for a relationship’ thing. Like okay, I think you stole my moves? The dance of allure isn’t just slamming into each other. She was coming on way too strong. What, I’m just going to fuck her because she’s into it? What about what I want?

Favourite thing about Jora?

She’s very attractive, but where’s her moral backbone? How many men has she waved through like it’s nothing? On the roof of the O2, of all places?

A capsule description?

A beautiful girl who’s clearly got issues or she wouldn’t have so little respect for herself. I was overwhelmed with protectiveness, and pity.

Was there a spark?

I wish there hadn’t been. It only made the twist of the knife more painful.

What happened afterwards?

She said she’d get an Uber, but I’m sorry to say I didn’t trust her. I took her to a taxi and paid the driver. She made some footling suggestion I ‘come back to hers’ but that was not happening. Not tonight. Not, sadly, ever.

What would you change about the evening?

I would have dated a woman who wants what real women want – a relationship, marriage, children. Then I would have fucked her and ghosted her.

Will you see each other again?

It would break my heart to. You know what? If she hadn’t got such a low opinion of herself, she could have been the one.